Spiritual Guidance:

Some years ago, I saw an old friend at a conference in an eastern city. He seemed somewhat reserved when I enthusiastically approached him, and eventually he informed me that many years previously, I had done or said something that offended him and he had spent these years angry with me. He even remembered precisely what I did, which I could not recall at all. I was astounded and apologized profusely. I had no idea of his hurt and had continued to hold him in high esteem.

While I now believe the angst has healed, I gave it a great deal of thought afterward. I was blissfully unaware of his pain and was even buoyed by what I thought was his friendship. I discovered that his anger had affected him for years, but had had no negative impact on me! He told me later that my apology and his forgiveness had a healing effect on him.

Most of us have been hurt by the statements or actions of others. If we dwell on the injury, our life will be negatively impacted. While the scriptures have a number of admonitions on this subject, I approach this commentary purely from the point that the inability to forgive is destructive behavior that will affect not only us, but everyone with whom we associate.

Forgiveness does not require us to accept or tolerate evil. But as we fight against wrong, we must not allow hatred or anger to control our thoughts or actions. Forgiveness means that problems of the past no longer cloud our judgment. A few years ago, at an annual prayer breakfast for the South Orange County Interfaith Council, I was emotionally touched by a message from Linda Biehl, whose daughter, Amy, won a Fulbright Scholarship and chose to immerse herself in South Africa.

In 1993, Amy was stoned and stabbed to death by a mob of angry militants. Those who participated in the murder were arrested, convicted and sentenced to long prison terms. In an attempt to understand their daughter’s commitment to South Africa, Linda and Peter Biehl and their three daughters traveled to the country at a time when it was on the brink of a race war.

Even though they were sickened by the ferocity of the attack on Amy, they felt the need to find some closure. They even met their daughter’s killers and turned hate into love through the power of forgiveness. They formed a foundation, set up a bakery in the area to employ and empower workers, and are involved in several programs to change the lives of the members of this town.

It may be particularly challenging to forgive someone who doesn’t admit wrong or doesn’t speak of their sorrow. Keep in mind that the key benefits of forgiveness are for you. If you find that a pain that is holding you back cannot be resolved seek counseling.

Until that resolution, the bitterness and resentful anger will poison your life-giving water. It can cloud every thought and action, preventing you from reaching your full potential and may contaminate all the aspects of your life. Even worse, those close to you are forced to adjust to your anger and are either caught up in the maelstrom or live in fear of approaching the sensitive issue.

Forgiveness is our own personal tool, allowing us to put to rest any situation in life that is not in harmony with our own sense of justice. It is our healthy attitudes and actions that promote healthy relationships. Forgiveness allows us to move forward and enjoy the balance of our lives.

TOM THORKELSON is the director of Interfaith Relations for Orange County at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.