SOUNDING OFF:

After taking a look around at who’s trying to get our vote, and not being terribly excited about any of them, I’m taking this opportunity to formally announce my candidacy for the office of president of the United States, or POTUS.

Oh, I’m not going to actually campaign. No speeches, no debates, no fundraising, no donations. What I’m going to do is acquaint you, the electorate, with my positions on important issues of the day and ask that, if you like my ideas, you write my name on the ballot when the time comes to vote. If enough people write me in, I’m the new POTUS. And here’s what I’ll do:

ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION

I’ll adopt Mexico’s immigration laws, the most onerous and draconian on our continent. And as they’ve done, I’ll put the Army on our southern border. Nobody else gets in. I’ll enact a tamper-proof national ID card which employers must check before hiring. I’ll sanction employers who then hire illegals by suspending their business licenses. No license, no business. No business, no jobs, self-deportation. No fence needed. Problem solved. Where do I get the troops? I’ll pull the 90,000 soldiers out of Germany and South Korea, where they’ve been for 63 and 55 years, respectively. Long enough, don’t you think?

GUN CONTROL

Just like Israel and Switzerland, I’ll issue every qualified adult a firearm and require that they learn how to properly use it. Do you think anybody’s going to break into your house if they think you might be protected by Smith & Wesson? Neither do I.

FEDERAL TAXES

I’ll shutter the IRS and enact a national consumption tax except on food, rent, medicines and the basic necessities. Don’t want to pay taxes? Don’t buy anything. Want that new Lexus? Prepare to pay a bunch extra for the privilege. No deductions. No H & R Block. No tax cheats. Plus, the 500,000 irritating IRS vultures will have to get a real job for a change. Sound good?

HEALTH CARE

Leave it alone. We have the best healthcare system on the planet. That’s why people from Canada, England, France and Saudi Arabia come here for treatment. Does anyone besides Hillary actually want the same bureaucrats who run Social Security and the DMV to be put in charge of our health?

SUBPRIME CRISIS

To those who chose to enter into those iffy ARM loans, and now find they can’t make the ever-increasing payments, and are facing foreclosure, I say, “Suck it up.” It’s not the function of the federal government to give you an official do-over at the expense of others.

ENERGY

I’ll drill in ANWAR, off both coasts, in the Gulf of Mexico, in House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s back yard, and anywhere else there might be oil to make us independent of those in the Middle East who we’re paying to try to kill us. I’ll build 200 new nuclear reactors (France operates 75!). Once we’re energy independent, I’ll set the official price we’re willing to pay for a barrel of oil at the value of one bushel of our coveted wheat. That oughtta’ fix ‘em.

GLOBAL WARMING

I’ll prevent Al Gore from giving any more speeches. Problem solved.

FOREIGN AID

I’ll end it. Most of the world doesn’t like us anyway, so why should we keep trying to buy their friendship?

HOLLYWEIRD

I’ll close it down. We don’t need no Streisand, Springsteen, Penn, Sarandon, Redford or Franken telling us America’s a bad place. I’ll do it in the name of Urban Renewal and create affordable housing in its place for all the poor people these elite, effete snobs purport to champion.

THE WAR ON TERROR

We’ve never fought a war in our country’s history against people who actually want to die. But that’s exactly the war in which we find ourselves. I say we ought to help them achieve their goal. Let’s nuke ‘em and get it over with.

EDUCATION

It’s time to Leave No Child Left Behind behind. Anything that Teddy Kennedy helped sponsor can’t possibly be any good.

UNITED NATIONS

Vote me in and I’ll get us out. The corrupt, useless and anti-American UN should move to the Left Bank of the Seine, where it belongs.

The UN building would make a nice shelter for NYC’s homeless, don’t you think?

LEGAL REFORM

Just like the United Kingdom, I’ll force losers in civil suits to pay the winner’s legal costs. That should end the frivolous lawsuits clogging up our court system. I guess this means slip and fall lawyers won’t be writing in my name. Of course, that assumes they can write.

RACE RELATIONS

Hello! We’re all equal! Jesse and Al and all the other poverty pimps should just get over it.

MISCELLANEOUS

Since we’ve got our fence-building apparatus all up to speed, I won’t waste it. I’ll build a fence around San Francisco to keep those Fidel-loving, military-loathing, commie weirdos out.

So, in summation, I’m an Eagle Scout, my mother was a woman and I had a black dog when I was a child. I think that pretty well qualifies me for POTUS. Write me in and I’ll do the rest. And may God bless the United States of America.

P.S. Don’t tell anybody about this. I’m trying to keep a low profile until Election Day.

CHUCK CASSITY is a Costa Mesa resident.