What’s going on in your teenager’s head?

Karen Redding

Dr. Michael Bradley, an internationally recognized expert in the

field of parenting adolescents, spoke to an overflowing audience of

parents, teachers, and educators at the PTA Coffee Break series on

Feb. 16 at the Surf & Sand hotel.

Bradley’s recent book, “Yes, Your Teen is Crazy! Loving your Kid

Without Losing Your Mind,” explains how the teen brain works (and how

it doesn’t work); the three top ways to earn your kid’s respect (and

the three ways to destroy it); and offers tips about drugs, and sex

and dating.

Dr. Bradley suggests that, “when you get tough with a teenager,

the brain goes into lock down. Kids can’t think. It’s a neurological

phenomenon.” He supports this assertion with recent research findings

that show how substantial growth occurs between the ages of 12 to 20

in the prefrontal cortex part of the brain that regulate emotional

control, impulse restraint and rational decision making.

When parents repeat themselves, kids tune out because their

neurological development really only has the ability to focus on five

to seven words, especially in the middle school years. Dr. Bradley

encourages parents to speak to teens in short, nonrepetitious

sentences, or not to talk until control is in check.

He posited a question to the audience, asking “What’s the greatest

influence on kids today?” Whereas many people tend to respond with

answers of peers, the popular culture or music, Dr. Bradley

enthusiastically responded that it is parents.

Establishing a secure connection with your teen and keeping the

contact alive and intact is the best predictor of whether a kid will

abuse alcohol or drugs, because without the connection, there is

little influence. When parents get focused on outcome measures of

their kid’s performance in school and/or scholastic test results,

they frequently miss the point of seeing that they have a great kid.

“Look to the heart of your child and pay less attention to his/her

school work and the number of A’s they get and the rest can and will

fall into place. The key is having the relationship,” he said.

Often what interferes with parents’ ability to stay focused on the

relationship as a priority is unrecognized sadness and confusion.

When we don’t acknowledge the loss of our child, who is no longer our

sweet little one, but a growing 15 year old, the feeling turns into

anger. Just at a time when kids need us the most is often the most

difficult time to be with them. Today, we spend 40% less time with

them. They’ll roll their eyes, complain and protest, but they need

the connection and structure.

There is also confusion around what kind of parenting really

works: the fear-based parenting with the “do this or else” message;

or respect-based principles, which focuses on paying closer attention

to the “inside” of character building and values.

As a recovering person from the fear based behavior control model

himself, Dr. Bradley presented an excerpt from his book called “The

Ten Commandments of Parenting Adolescents.” One of the commandments

is “Thou shalt apologize at every opportunity.” If parents preach to

their adolescent, he closes down. But he’ll sit and listen carefully

to messages hidden in the robes of a parent’s own admission of

failure.

According to Bradley, “That’s the way we teach, by walking the

walk.” Clinical studies support that idea that kids respect parents’

patience and tolerance, especially in the face of provocation, when

parents don’t succumb to being reduced to a kid’s level of losing

control. The speaker also encourages us to engage our teens with

questions to stimulate their thinking and get the wheels turning,

rather than on providing set answers.

He reminds us in his 10th commandment that “Know thou, this too

shall pass.” Parenting an adolescent can be messy, painful and even

very scary, but all things come to an end, and mostly everyone

survives just fine.