Recall a bazaar of bizarre

There’s a lot of them. Big ones, small ones, short ones, tall ones,

boys and girls and women and men. New ones, old ones, smart ones,

dumb ones, rich ones, poor ones, that’s about it. Oh, sorry, and two

Indian chiefs.

Has there ever been anything like the California recall? Not that

I know of.

It’s hard to explain what an event like this means. To a political

junkie, this is like Dempsey vs. Tunney, the moon landing, the O.J.

Simpson trial, Bart Simpson, D-Day, Botox, USC vs. Notre Dame in ‘74,

penicillin, SnackWells, the Miracle on Ice and the Miracle at Lourdes

all rolled into one.

There are 135 candidates. It’s enough to make you find a quiet

place, look skyward, wipe a tear from your eye and say, “Thank you.”

As you well know, the news has been “All Recall, All the Time,”

and believe me, you ain’t seen nothing yet. I know, I know, it’s

confusing, frustrating, maddening and mystifying. Not to worry. I am

here, as always, to illuminate, educate and pontificate, and what I

lack in knowledge, which is a lot, I make up for in ignorance, which

is near total. Thus, we begin.

It might interest you to know that Issa is running after all, as

are Michael Jackson, Bob Dole, and Richard Simmons. That’s S. Issa,

an engineer in Los Angeles, and Michael Jackson, a satellite

production manager. I don’t know what it means either. Robert A. Dole

is a businessman in the Bay Area and Richard Simmons is an attorney

in Los Angeles County, and I’ll bet he has never shouted, “Come on,

people, move it and lose it!”

There is a Kurt E. Rightmeyer on the ballot, who lists his

occupation as “middleweight sumo wrestler.” One, I suspect there just

aren’t a lot of sumo wrestlers named Kurt, let along Rightmeyer. And

two, wouldn’t “sumo wrestler” have been enough? If there really is

someone out there who thinks a sumo wrestler is exactly what

California needs, does the weight class really matter? There’s also

businessman “D. Logan Darrow Clements.” The best I can figure out is

that little D was born in Boston, and his parents were southern

lawyers who read a lot of Mark Twain. The there’s Ivan Alexander Hall

III, a custom denture manufacturer in Shasta County. Talk about

entrepreneurship. Shasta County is a breathtaking place with about

eight people and one really pretty mountain in it, yet Ivan Alexander

Hall III has managed to bang out a living banging out custom

dentures. I am totally impressed.

Some of the most interesting news, to me anyway, comes from Kern

County -- as in, who did file and who did not. The only person on the

ballot from Kern County is David Laughing Horse Robinson of

Bakersfield. Not only is David the chief of the Kawaiisu tribe, he’s

the only Native American ever to run for statewide office in

California. Frankly, I can think of a lot worse credentials for being

governor than tribal chief. In the “not running” category I think a

petroleum engineer with the fascinating name of Patrick Mbaba should

be given the “Eternally Optimistic in Bakersfield” Award. Patrick

said he opted out because it would cost too much to compete against a

candidate like Arnold Schwarzenegger. “We’ve been watching the news,”

Mbaba said. “We don’t believe the publicity we’ve received so far is

enough to win.” Good call, Pat. One question, though -- exactly how

much publicity do you think you’ve received so far?

Speaking of names, there are two on the ballot that use that

“nickname” thing, witness Paul “Chip” Mailander, a San Diego golf

pro, and John “Jack” Mortensen, a contractor. Why do people do that

-- Robert “Bob” Citron, John “Blackjack” Pershing, etc., etc. I don’t

get it.

If you have a nickname and you like it, use it. If you don’t like

it, don’t use it. Why burden us with it? Some people call me Peter

and some people call me Pete. Do I sign my name Peter “Pete” Buffa?

No I do not. Get over it, for heaven’s sake. Where were we? Oh yeah,

the recall. Sorry.

Our own little county, which is Orange, produced two odd names and

one really, really big one. Reva Renee Renz is a small business owner

who is obviously rrrrrrready to rrrrrrrumble. Van Vo is a Vietnam

radio producer who should immediately make his campaign slogan “V’s

for Victory.” And the one big name is something that is very hard to

find on that long, long ballot -- an actual, bona fide candidate with

the credentials and the resources, I mean money, to win ... Peter V.

Ueberroth.

And here you thought we were never going to get to the big dogs!

We will, but ever so briefly. When we turn to the file under “Dogs,

Big, California Recall” we will find just six names -- Arnold

Schwarzenegger, Cruz M. Bustamante, Peter Ueberroth, Bill Simon, Tom

McClintock, and one thoroughly gray Davis. Remember, if 499,999

people vote “yes” on the recall and 500,000 vote “no”...Gray Davis

remains in office by one vote, Gumby hair and all.

So what’s going to happen and who’s going to win? All in good

time, my little pretty, all in good time. I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs

Sundays. He may be reached by e-mail at [email protected].