Leave the Oscar picks to me

“Hooray for Hollywood...”

Come on, everybody: “Hooray for Hollywood, that screwy,

ballyhooing Hollywood, where any office boy or young mechanic, can be

a panic ...”

Okay, okay, stop.

That was awful. No more singing. Yes, it is time.

Assuming the 75th Annual Academy Awards are held at all tonight,

it is my pleasure to present you with the 7th Annual Buffa Oscar

Picks.

As you are well aware, the accuracy of my Oscar predictions is

beyond uncanny, beyond comprehension, beyond hyperbole.

How do I do it? Volume. Shall we?

The envelopes, please.

The nominees for Best Actor are: Adrien Brody for “The Pianist”;

Michael Caine for “The Quiet American”; Nicolas Cage for

“Adaptation”; Daniel Day-Lewis for “Gangs of New York” and Jack

Nicholson for “About Schmidt.”

And the winner is ... Daniel Day-Lewis and his “Butcher Bill,” the

leanest, meanest gangbanger that 1850 New York ever saw.

This one is a squeaker, and Jack is supposedly the popular

favorite with his remarkably underplayed insurance agent, Warren

Schmidt. The critics love Adrien Brody, who was indeed a knockout in

“The Pianist” -- another one of those great films that nobody saw.

But the backroom workings of Hollywood argue for Daniel Day-Lewis.

Here’s why. For the Oscars, Academy members vote in their own

categories -- actors vote for actors, directors for directors, etc.

The only “group vote” is for Best Picture. Two weeks ago, the Screen

Actors Guild Award for Best Actor went to Daniel Day-Lewis. Since the

SAG members are the aforementioned actors, it’s possible that they

changed their mind in the last two weeks, but not likely.

Ladies? Places please. Remember, no matter what happens, keep

smiling and applauding and looking really happy for whoever wins, at

least until the camera is off you. That’s why they call it “acting.”

The nominees for Best Actress are: Salma Hayek for “Frida”; Nicole

Kidman for “The Hours”; Diane Lane for “Unfaithful”; Julianne Moore

for “Far From Heaven” and Renee Zellwegger for “Chicago.” And the

winner is...Renee Zellwegger.

This is a tough category this year, with a number of strong,

strong performances. Nicole Kidman was the prohibitive favorite,

until the SAG Awards, that is, when Renee walked away with the gold.

Kidman’s Virginia Wolfe was a tour de force, funny proboscis and all,

but Zellwegger stole the show, the scene, the sets and anything else

that wasn’t nailed down in “Chicago.” For a young actress who was

best known for comedies like “Bridget Jones’ Diary” until now,

Zellwegger was a cross between Meryl Streep, Gwen Verdon and Ethel

Merman as “Chicago’s” murderous ingenue, Roxie Hart.

The nominees for Best Supporting Actor are: Chris Cooper for

“Adaptation”; Ed Harris for “The Hours”; Paul Newman for “Road to

Perdition”; John C. Reilly for “Chicago” and Christopher Walken for

“Catch Me If You Can.” And the winner is ... Christopher Walken.

This is basically an Adrien Brody-Daniel Day-Lewis deal. Chris

Cooper in “Adaptation” was the big favorite going into the SAG

Awards, but again, it’s a case of a great performance in a film that

nobody saw. Personally, I thought the always-underrated Chris Walken

was incredible as Leonardo DiCaprio’s dysfunctional father in “Catch

Me If You Can” and deserves the Oscar nod ten times over.

The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are: Kathy Bates for

“About Schmidt”; Julianne Moore for “The Hours”; Queen Latifah for

“Chicago”; Meryl Streep for “Adaptation” and Catherine Zeta-Jones,

“Chicago.” And the winner is ... Catherine Zeta-Jones.

The tense waltz between the two “Z-Girls” -- Zeta-Jones and

Zellwegger -- has been an interesting sub-plot to the Oscars for

months. In the prerelease hype for “Chicago,” Catherine Zeta-Jones

was the center of attention. She was the only lead with legitimate

musical theater credentials, singing and dancing her way through her

early career. When the movie popped, the critics hailed Zeta-Jones’

performance, but they went gaga over Zellwegger. At the Golden

Globes, both Z-Girls were nominated for Best Actress in a Musical,

but Zellwegger won. Oops. At the SAG Awards, Zeta-Jones was relegated

to the Supporting Actress category (double oops), which she won, but

then had to watch Zellwegger snatch Best Actress (triple oops) from

heavyweights Nicole Kidman and Julianne Moore. Tonight, it’s the same

drill -- Zellwegger for Best Actress and Zeta-Jones for Best

Supporting Actress -- and all I can say is, for Michael Douglas’

sake, Catherine Zeta-Jones better win.

The nominees for Best Director are: Pedro Almodovar for “Talk to

Her”; Stephen Daldry for “The Hours”; Rob Marshall for “Chicago”;

Roman Polanski for “The Pianist” and Martin Scorsese for “Gangs of

New York.” And the winner is ... Rob Marshall. As well he should be.

“Chicago” is a directorial triumph. Translating a Broadway musical

to the screen would be a tricky enough task for the wisest, most

experienced director in or out of Hollywood. But the fact that this

is Rob Marshall’s very first film makes it all the more astonishing.

The only mild controversy about Best Director this year is that

Martin Scorsese will be overlooked, once again. How one can direct a

boatload of the most important films of the last 30 years and not

have a single little golden guy on his mantel is beyond me.

And now, the moment you’ve been waiting for.

Drum roll, please.

The nominees for Best Picture are: “Chicago”; “The Hours”; “Gangs

of New York”; “The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” and “The

Pianist.” Please. Let’s not try to create suspense where there isn’t

any. The winner is ... “Chicago.”

It’s a monster. It’s a juggernaut. It can’t be stopped, it can’t

even be slowed down.

By the way, I’ve been a little hard to reach the last few days

because I had some surgery done. I decided I needed a new look, which

I really like, but I’ll leave that up to you. I’ll give you all the

details as soon as I can.

I gotta go.