Uncle Don’s Views of Nil Repute

Uncle Don

A secret facility. Warning signs. Dangerous gasses. Biohazards. A

roving camera pans -- and whutz that? On the white jet ski, being chased

by carnivorous cretins on black jet skis, it’s our hero, the guy with as

many marriages as consonants in his last name, Jean Claude Van Damme.

Like Freddy, Jason, Michael and Leatherface in their various sequels,

ole Van Damme is back from the dead again in this summer’s reincarnation

of “Universal Soldier” with the amazingly original name, “Universal

Soldier The Return.”

I know I reviewed the original “Universal Soldier,” but I rarely read,

almost never pay attention, and try not to remember anything I write. So

I don’t know if I liked it or not.

Now the Universal Soldiers are called Unisols. Sounds like detergent.

Bigger. Tougher. Stronger. New and Improved. (How can something be

improved if it’s new? Philosophical question of the week for you

dullards.)

Anyhow, these here Unisols are dead soldiers brought back to life so

they can kill. And make bad sequels. Van Dumme used to be a Unisol, but

now he’s not.

I guess if you’re dead long enough you come back to life. The Unisols

are led by some dude with a neck thicker than his head who grunts a lot,

falls from tall buildings, gets run over by large trucks, and generally

eats more lead than an inner-city toddler chewing on tenement walls.

The Unisols are led by another malevolent all-seeing computer with a

four-letter name, only this hyperactive, Ritalin-deprived, over-voltaged

stereotype is called “Seth” instead of “Dave” and he wants his brain

shrunk -- to a size smaller than a columnist’s. Smaller than an editor’s.

Almost but not quite as small as a liberal’s. This will allow Seth to

become ambulatory and spout aphorisms like: “When I was a machine, I

wanted to be a man.” And, “The created has become a creator.”

Seth, now known as the Super Unisol, and the not-so-super Unisols are

cheesed because the government wants to shut down the Universal Soldier

project. They think the time of man has ended. They will bring order.

They will build their numbers geometrically. (Try exponentially boys,

it’s faster.) They will drag this movie out to the interminable length of

82, count ‘em 82 minutes.

Of course, the only thing stopping Seth is some sort of secret code

hidden either in a computer dweeb’s files or on a cereal box top

somewheres. The only way to stop Seth after the obtaining of this code is

either for the camera to run out of film or for the good guys to nuke the

top secret facility these Unisols are floating around in.

The problem with that is that it will lay waste to the surrounding

environment. Given that the facility is in West Texas means a probable

improvement.

But Van Dumme is to the rescue. His daughter’s in there, held hostage

both by the big meanie and idiotic scriptwriting, soon to have her head

sawed open like a monkey at a Chinese restaurant. Then a matrix microchip

is to be shoved down into her brain with all the grace of a first-grader

picking his nose.

But not if Jean Clod is to have his way. Arthritically trying his best

Jackie Chan imitation, he takes on a few dozen bad guys that bullets

won’t stop, fire won’t kill, and explosions won’t maim. He pokes a few in

the eyes, sticks one in a clothes dryer and forthwithly dispatches

unkillable killing machines by well, killing them.Listen up, not every

flick Van Damme makes is lousy, they just seem that way. “Bloodsport,”

“Cyborg,” “Hard Target,” and “Time Cop” ain’t too shabby.

What little I remember of the first “Universal Soldier” seems to be that

it was pretty good, probably ‘cause you knew Dolph Lundgren could beat

Van Damme like a drum were he in the mind to do so.

But hey, a lousy 82 minutes for “Universal Soldier The Return.” Whatta

bunch of el cheapos. A few more eviscerations, explosions, or simply

dragging out that scene in the “gentlemen’s club” coulda dragged this

sucker out to the requisite 90 minutes.

UNCLE DON reviews b-movies and cheesy musical acts for the Daily Pilot.

You can e-mail him at o7 [email protected] .