A Little League coach’s mail bonding

Little League players are paid in box drinks and grass stains. Their coaches are paid in memories that last a lifetime. Not good memories, just memories. With baseball season beginning, here are some emails from the trenches:

Dear team parents,

On behalf of the league, I’d like to welcome you to another season of youth baseball. It is my pleasure to inform you that at our draft last evening, I chose your 9-year-old son to be on my team. I look forward to meeting him and the rest of the family.

As time allows, please inform me of any allergies your son may have, which meds he is on, and whether he has any significant spatial issues involving time, distance and dangerous flying objects.

Sincerely, Coach

Dear team parents,

I am sorry that none of you could make last night’s parent meeting. I know everyone has busy schedules. We will have a makeup meeting in the near future.

Sincerely, Coach

Dear team parents,

I am sorry that none of you could make last night’s makeup parent meeting. We will have a makeup, makeup meeting in the near future.

Sincerely, Coach

Dear team parents,

Thank you all for attending last night’s parent mixer/car giveaway/open bar. Who knew Twister could be played for money?

Sincerely, Coach

Dear team parents,

A quick word about cups. I realize that this is the first year many of the young men are wearing the hard protective cups. While a certain adjustment period is to be expected, many of the players have taken to wearing the cups on their heads like yarmulkes, or in their shirts like brassieres.

While this is always a comedy hit in the dugout, please note that wearing a cup anyplace other than its intended place goes against the team policies we discussed at last week’s parent mixer. They are also not to be used as ashtrays, ice cream scoops or second base.

Sincerely, Coach

Dear team parents,

I wanted to share with you a little Norman Rockwell moment I had at last night’s practice. As I get to know the boys, it becomes clear that many of them live in little fantasy worlds of their own creation, where outfield fences are all 100 feet from the plate and every swing is a grand slam.

They are works in progress, all of them, not yet fully rendered but showing glimmers of growing up. In chatting with them, amid their first sunburns of spring, freckles everywhere, I’ve also discovered that they relive past playoff games over and over, as well as the vagaries of umpire calls, the bad hop that doomed them, the little flare that dropped a moment too soon.

No, wait, I guess those are the dads. Never mind.

Sincerely, Coach

Dear team parents,

Some of you have been inquiring about our team’s prospects for the coming season. Well, our shortstop weighs less than my wristwatch, and our first baseman might be a chimpanzee. Our catcher looks to be made entirely of Band-Aids, and our star pitcher will miss every game because of conflicts with soccer, swimming, lacrosse, taekwondo, Mandarin lessons and ballroom dancing.

Other than that, we look like the ’27 Yankees.

Sincerely, Coach

Dear team parents,

What a great opening-day ceremony yesterday. Two of the boys are still missing, but we’re certain they’ll turn up soon. Shame about the bouncy house, but who was to know it wouldn’t stand up to Mrs. Scribner’s six-inch heels?

By the way, if you’re missing any of your son’s baseball equipment, please let me know. The trunk of my car is already full of the things you’ve left behind. To date, I’ve collected seven gloves, three iPads and a Schnauzer puppy.

Sincerely, Coach

Dear team parents,

I am sorry to report that, as of last night, our team mom, Mrs. Chabowitz — also known fondly as Billy’s Mom, also known fondly as Cha-Cha Chabowitz — has run off with the home plate umpire from our first game, taking along the $1,000 snack bar deposit and the $200 we collected to put the names on the uniforms.

Needless to say, we will really miss that umpire. He had a consistent strike zone — not too big, not too small — and was mostly sober till at least the third inning.

Applications for another team mom will begin today.

Ask about the “romance package.”

Sincerely, Coach

[email protected]

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