The God Squad: The three things parents should teach children

Question: Why does the Talmud (the post biblical work that codified Rabbinic Judaism) say that a Jewish father must teach his son three things: to earn a living, to study Torah each day and to swim?

It’s this last one that doesn’t fit. The usual answer offered to me is “to save a life” — but historically, most Jews haven’t lived on the waterfront. I’ve pondered this for many of my 83 years.

My own interpretation is that the “letting go” process that finally overcomes fear of water and allows the child to stay on the surface provides the first lesson in learning to trust in God.

Do you have a different answer? — H., from somewhere not near the water, via [email protected]

Answer: If you don’t think Jews live near the water you should check out my readers in Palm Beach!

The teaching you reference is from the Talmudic tractate Kiddush in 29a, and I do think that swimming fits into a list of basic things a parent must teach a child.

A person needs to grow up to be able to make a living. A person needs to have time to study and reflect on what matters in life beyond work, and a person needs to be able to protect his or her own life.

Swimming is obviously a skill that can save a child’s life, and self-preservation is the foundation for all other skills we learn. I like your interpretation, but I think the point of the teaching is to focus on the basic things children need to learn from us.

Let me turn this around and take it out of its Jewish context. Let me ask you and all readers of any faith or no faith to ask yourselves what you think are the three basic skills a parent, grandparent, or caregiver should teach to a child who looks to them for guidance and preparation for life. Let me know your lists. Here’s mine:

1. Teach them to always say please and thank you. There are enough smart people in the world but not enough good people and it seems to me that the essential ingredient of goodness is gratitude. It’s all about knowing that everything in life is a gift.

2. Teach them to read for pleasure and wisdom. There’s a reason we call it Holy Scripture and not Holy Video Games. Love of reading leads us to love what we read about. For me, that begins with the Bible, but even if they don’t end up immersed in biblical study, they should still want to read about what really matters in life. That will take them to the Bible in due time.

3. Teach them to tithe themselves. There’s no one so poor that he or she can’t help another person in need. Ten percent off the top is the biblical commandment that still challenges us and transforms us. As my friend Mike Pascucci always says, “You can’t out give God.” He’s right.

So those are the three things all kids should be taught. OK, maybe there is a fourth:

4. Don’t put me in a nursing home! Although if the nursing home looks good and smells good, I might change my mind about this one.

Q: My husband is Jewish and I’m Catholic. We’re raising our two children as Reform Jews.

Recently, we attended a wake for a relative of mine where the prayers were led by a representative from the family’s congregation. As the prayer began, my 12-year-old daughter, following everyone else, attempted to make the sign of the cross.

My husband immediately stopped her, saying, “We don’t make the sign of the cross; we are Jewish.”

I didn’t see any harm in the gesture. I fact, I thought my husband overreacted. What’s your opinion? — Anonymous, via [email protected]

A: Your husband was right. There’s a big difference between respect and belief. The sign of the cross is a way of symbolically accepting the Trinity, and Jews do not believe that God is triune (Father, Son and Holy Spirit).

Making the sign of the cross, like kneeling or going up to the rail to receive communion, are all signs that you’re not just a respectful guest but a believing Christian. My advice to non-Catholics of any faith attending a Catholic service is to be quiet and respectful.

I encourage Jews to participate in the reading of Psalms and all other shared biblical texts and to sing along with all hymns that don’t contain the word Christ. My first personal encounter with this problem of interfaith etiquette occurred while singing in my junior high school choir in Shorewood, Wis.

At that time, sensitivities about religious holiday music were not as extreme as they are today. We were singing “O Come All Ye Faithful” (Adeste Fideles) and I decided that after we powered through the chorus (“O come let us adore Him”) three times and soared into the transporting finale (“Christ the Lord!”), I’d just sing, “La-La the Lord” as my personal demurral. I didn’t intend it to be a public protest.

However, my decision got around to the other choir members, who thought it was rebellious and cool and so, unbeknownst to me, when we came to the end, they all sang “La-La the Lord.” This was not that funny to me or to the choir director, whose first word to us all after our performance was, “GELLMAN!”

I once asked my friend Tommy (Fr. Tom Hartman) to forgive me for my rudeness, but as I remember it, he was laughing too hard to forgive me. Anyway, being a stranger in a religious service is good. Being a perfect stranger is much better.

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