Comments & Curiosities -- Peter Buffa

It’s a lock. Or is it? Some interesting items in the “Mondo Bizarro”

file this week. The first is the continuing mystery of the freeway locks,

which I was pleased to see get some long overdue attention in this very

publication.

For years, I’ve wandered the freeways, making my way on appointed

rounds, leading a life of quiet desperation in my little car, just as

Thoreau predicted -- the quiet desperation part that is. Thoreau didn’t

know poop about cars.

Anyway, I have now and then noticed something quite odd on the

overpasses under which my little car passes, Locks. Yes, locks. Not locks

of hair, or the things that make boats go up and down, but locks -- as in

padlocks, as in metal things with keys or combinations. Sometimes one or

two, sometimes 15, 20 or more, but locks nonetheless, carefully clipped

onto the fence on an overpass. “How odd,” I thought.

I’ve never heard anyone else mention the locks, nor have I mentioned

them to anyone else, mostly out of self-doubt, fear and trepidation

(which I wish I hadn’t said because trepidation means fear and now I

sound stupid). Thus, you understand my sense of great relief to see

someone finally break this story.

The mystery locks ignite a firestorm of questions: Why are they there?

What do they mean? And above all, who would do such a thing? Who is the

Locker?

Caltrans and the city of Costa Mesa have been wrestling with the

Locker’s handiwork for years. They’re not sure if it’s graffiti or

vandalism, but they are certain it’s annoying.

“If somebody finds out why people put these locks up there, I’d like

to know why on earth they do it,” said Bill Morris, Costa Mesa’s

outstanding public works director.

The most locks I’ve seen with my own eyes, which is how most people

see things, were snapped on the Fairview overpass over the 405 Freeway a

year ago or so -- about 25 or 30 by my estimate. But on Thursday,

Caltrans workers armed with bolt-cutters removed 40 locks from the Bay

Street overpass over the 55 Freeway.

Forty locks is a lot of locks, even for the Locker. Think about the

logistics. Even in the dead of night, no one is going to drag a box or a

bag of 40 padlocks across the Bay Street overpass and clip them onto the

fence one at a time.

Here is my theory. The Locker works hard to be nondescript and look

like any other person or thing. He or she strolls nonchalantly across the

overpass, skillfully snapping one lock per stroll in place, separated by

moments or hours or days. Actually, probably not days, since Caltrans

could come along and snip what you’ve snapped before you could snap

again.

OK, fine. But logistics aside, who’s doing it? Wouldn’t it be

something if the Locker turned about to be a name, a local celebrity, an

Orange County mover and shaker? Stranger things have happened. Check the

file under “Wynona Ryder.”

What do the experts think? Rose Melgoza, Caltrans spokesperson, thinks

it’s kids.

“It’s probably just schoolkids who have nothing better to do,” she

said.

I don’t think so, Rose. When kids first practice to deceive, in

addition to the tangled web they weave, they like stuff that’s big and

flashy and gets noticed in a big way. This thing is too subtle for kids.

Morris thinks it could be art.

“Maybe they think it’s modern art or something,” Bill said.

We have a winner! I think Mr. Bill is right. This is someone’s

artistic statement. I didn’t see what the Locker locked on Bay Street,

but the locks on Fairview were laid out very carefully, seemingly random

but definitely by design.

Here is my theory, which is, of course, brilliant. It isn’t just an

artistic statement -- it’s a social statement. The Locker is trying to

say something about urban life, the stresses thereof, Charlie Chaplin in

“Modern Times,” etc., etc. Mark my words. You heard it here first.

The other interesting item is one Mr. John Nelson and his quixotic

(Mayan word for ‘long shot’) battle with Newport Beach over parking

meters, churches and the nexus between them. The city has a long-standing

ordinance that says that parking overtime at meters around places of

worship on Sunday mornings isn’t a sin. It really only applies to four

churches on the Balboa Peninsula, which is the only place in the city

where churches and parking meters share this earth.

Nelson doesn’t like that. In fact, he thinks it’s unconstitutional --

a violation of the First Amendment’s mandate that “Congress shall make no

law respecting an establishment of religion.” And so, Mr. Nelson has a

filed a suit in federal court against the city of Newport Beach.

According to John, “It affects the fabric of our democratic system,

what our country is founded on. We’re founded on keeping state out of

religious activities to guarantee freedom of worship.”

Wow. Who would have thought? All from not letting a parking meter do

its thing. It’ll be interesting to see how it turns out, to say the

least.

I tried to find a precedent, but I couldn’t. I did find this, though.

In August 1996, police in Woburn, Mass. received a complaint about the

Anchor Baptist Church. The church was allegedly luring kids into the

church by offering them pizza, then baptizing them without their parents’

permission.

Hmm. Exactly what would the citation read? “Contributing to the

delinquency of a minor with pizza; unauthorized baptism.” I guess it’s

true. Never discuss religion, politics, pizza, or parking meters. I gotta

go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Sundays.

He may be reached via e-mail at [email protected].