How parents can help their kids get back into school mode

A group of parents and school children stand in a doorway.

By Karen KaplanStaff Writer

Aug. 9, 2024 3 AM PT

In a matter of days, the easygoing vibe of summer break will be replaced with the rigid schedules of a new school year.

The transition isn’t always easy, even for kids who are eager to return to the classroom. And if children are nervous about a new teacher, new school, or the prospect of making new friends, things can be even more fraught.

With summer break drawing to a close, The Times spoke with psychologists about how parents can help their children embrace a back-to-school mindset. Here’s their advice:

Don’t wait until the last minute to talk about the new school year.

Instead of having one big conversation, make the transition a little at a time in the final week or two of summer break, said Samantha Sweeney, a licensed psychologist in Washington, D.C. You might spend a few hours gathering school supplies; another day, you can plot out what to pack for lunches. Activities like these provide opportunities for kids to talk about how they’re feeling about the upcoming year.

“If you bring it up all at once, you get freaked out all at once,” she said. “Doing it gradually is usually easier for kids.”

If your child is anxious about going back to school, don’t try to talk them out of it.

It’s important to acknowledge their feelings and make them feel heard, experts say.

“If you say, ‘No no no, school is great and it’s going to be wonderful,’ they’ll say, ‘You don’t get it,’ or ‘You don’t understand,’” said Sweeney, co-author of “Working With Worry: A Workbook for Parents on How to Support Anxious Children.”

Trying to convince a kid to feel a certain way is likely to backfire, said Eileen Kennedy-Moore, a clinical psychologist in Princeton, N.J., who specializes in parenting and child development. “The harder we argue, ‘It’s going to be great!’ the harder they’ll insist, ‘It’s going to be terrible!’”

Don’t give false assurances.

It’s risky to tell your child that everything will be just fine, or that school will be the same as it was last year, because that might not turn out to be true, Sweeney said.

Instead, boost their confidence by reminding them of past successes, like their track record of making new friends. You can also tell them you’ll be there to support them if they need help.

Try to pinpoint the source of their concern.

Are they nervous because they don’t know what to expect from a new teacher? Will they be using a locker for the first time and they’re worried about forgetting the combination for their lock?

Once you have a better idea of what you’re dealing with, you and your child can work together to brainstorm a solution, experts said. Get the ideas flowing by reminding them of times they’ve overcome similar problems in the past.

“You’re guiding them but you’re not giving them all the answers,” said Mary Alvord, a cognitive behavioral psychologist in Rockville, Md., and co-author of “The Action Mindset Workbook for Teens.” “My goal with parents is to teach kids how to be more proactive, how to take initiative. It builds resilience.”

Consider a dress rehearsal of the first day of school.

This isn’t necessary for everyone, but if a child is worried about how they’ll get to campus or where to find a bathroom, a dry run may allay their concerns.

“Knowing what to do can help kids feel more confident that they can cope,” said Kennedy-Moore, creator of the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast.

The school may even allow your child to meet their teacher while they’re setting up their classroom, said Sweeney, who has worked as a school psychologist.

“When they walk in the door on the first day and see a familiar face, that can make a big difference,” she said.

Talk through worrisome scenarios.

“It’s impossible to anticipate every possible problem, so an important question to have your child consider is, ‘Who could help you if you need help?’ Kennedy-Moore said.

You might be able to solve some problems in advance. For instance, if your child is concerned about having someone to sit with at lunch, encourage them to make a plan with a friend.

A conversation may also help your child realize that the things they’re afraid of are very unlikely to happen. If they’re scared that no one will pick them up and they’ll have to spend the night at school, ask if that’s ever happened to them, or to anyone they know personally.

Encourage kids to reconnect with their friends.

Kids may be nervous about seeing some of their classmates for the first time in months. Smooth the way by arranging a playdate or two before school starts. Older kids might prefer to break the ice by reaching out with a text or via a social media app, Sweeney said.

Another way to help settle a child’s nerves is having them practice what they’ll do when they see their peers at school. Kennedy-Moore suggests they look the friend in the eye, smile and say “Hi,” along with the friend’s name. Follow up with a sincere compliment — “Cool backpack!” — or a question that starts with “how” or “what.”

To further put a child at ease, rehearse how they’d respond to a likely question. If asked, “How was your summer?” a child can reply “Great,” followed by a fact like “We went to the beach with my cousins,” Kennedy-Moore said.

Give your kids time to adjust their sleep schedule.

Moving it gradually will make for an easier transition, experts say. Wake them up 15 or 30 minutes earlier each morning and encourage them to get dressed and eat breakfast to establish a routine. If the earlier start makes them tired, that will help them fall asleep earlier too.

Getting enough rest is an important factor in school success, said Alvord, adjunct professor at George Washington University’s School of Medicine and Health Sciences.

“A lack of sleep interferes with emotion regulation and with clarity of thought,” she said. “When you’re tired, everything seems much worse.”

But if the new sleep schedule doesn’t stick before school starts, don’t panic. Just keep their after-school schedules open to facilitate earlier bedtimes.

“Your kids will get over the jet lag from the schedule shift in a few days,” Kennedy-Moore said.

Don’t pass your own anxieties on to your kids.

Children often look to adults for cues about how to respond in unfamiliar or unusual situations, Kennedy-Moore said.

“If we, as parents, are calm and generally positive about school, it makes it easier for kids to have positive expectations,” she said.

That may be easier said than done. When it comes to their children, parents tend to worry about the worst-case scenario and see things in all-or-nothing terms, Alvord said. If they can learn to recognize and adjust their thinking patterns, they can help their children to do the same, she said.