Column: Debate night is here: What to expect when you’ve learned to expect the worst

Hello, and happy Tuesday. There are 55 days until the election and debate night is here. And so is our bingo card, with all of your favorite wisecracks, witticisms and what-the-hecks.

Last time, we were so young and hopeful. Then Joe Biden shuffled onstage, withering our hearts with existential dread and making us want to curl up toddler-style from anxiety. It was not great. Not even for Donald Trump, who clearly prevailed.

That’s, of course, because the June presidential debate led us to Biden’s courageous and unexpected decision to step down, smash any intraparty uprising about a free-for-all primary, and declare Kamala Harris his successor. Boom.

About five minutes into Harris’ subsequent and astonishing popularity, the Trump team probably felt like going fetal. And here we are, the debate many outlets are likely to bill as “the prosecutor vs. the felon.�

C’mon folks. We can do better than that.

By now, you’ve probably seen dozens of articles letting you know everything you need to know about the debate. This is not one of them. Honestly, I haven’t even figured out how to watch it yet.

But I will be watching! Along with three of my much smarter, much more entertaining colleagues: Doyle McManus, Lorraine Ali and the inestimable Mark Z. Barabak.

We will be live chatting on the homepage of The Times, and I hope you’ll follow along with us.

In the meantime, here‘s what to expect when you’ve learned to expect the worst.

Kamala Harris steps onstage to address a crowd last week in North Hampton, N.H.

(Steven Senne / Associated Press)

Will there be substance?

First, there will be policy. At least from Harris. Her campaign released a platform Monday that gives a more detailed look at how she would deliver on promises to make life more affordable for the middle class, and bring more Americans up to that economic ideal.

The ones that struck me as ideas that will come up at the debate were:

• Expanding the no-tax-on-tips promise to include ending the poverty-making practice of allowing service workers to be paid less than $3 an hour, with tips supposedly making up the rest. Minimum wage, people.
• Capping out of pocket medical costs for all Americans, not just seniors, and making childcare and elder care affordable — and professions that pay a decent wage.
• Plans to help small businesses with more money and more tax deductions. This is a big deal because it gives her credibility as a business-friendly Democrat, encroaching on traditional Republican territory.

For Trump, I’m guessing the highlights will be:

• Border blah blah, heavy with false numbers. Over the weekend in Wisconsin, he told the crowd Harris was importing, “murderers, child predators and serial rapists from all over the planet while weaponizing law enforcement to jail political opponents.â€�
  That’s a twofer, getting in a duo of his most popular complaints in one soundbite — immigration and grievance over his many legal troubles.
• Also expect Trump to try to corner Harris on the claim that she knew Biden was mentally declining and hid it. Reminder — Biden is old, but still in charge of this joint. But this conspiracy is bigly huge in conservative circles.
• And of course, he’ll lay the groundwork for losing (and potentially fighting that loss) by claiming voter fraud is rampant, fueled by those undocumented folks who take breaks from raping women and eating pets to mail in illegal ballots.

Decorum and dignity? Nope.

More than policy, we can expect more of the same.

For Trump, that probably means personal attacks on Harris. Is she Indian, or is she Black? The mysteries of being biracial continue to elude him.

Trump has also questioned Harris’ intelligence and said he doesn’t respect her. His running mate, JD Vance, loves to attack her for supposedly using different accents, which is really just another amateur-hour race-baiting gambit. And of course, she is the “border czar,� whose failed policies have led to the dangerous browning of America.

How is it possible to be this afraid of melanin?

And it wouldn’t surprise me if Trump pulls out a “nasty woman� at some point.

But the last time Trump debated a woman was Hillary Clinton in 2016. That was a year before the #MeToo movement. And while Trump hasn’t changed, the mood of American women — even Republican women — has. Nasty maybe once landed a punch, sort of? But now it’s just dated and hateful.

So the second thing I’ll be looking for is how his lady-bashing lines land with female voters, especially young ones. Especially the ones who do not find it “beautiful� that their reproductive rights have been squashed.

The puppet moment

The last thing I’ll be watching for is who loses their cool. That’s really the name of the game here — can one make the other freak out? Because someone is coming out of this the loser. For one of them, this is the beginning of the end.

My money is on Harris staying calm, prosecutor style. Her task will be not to ramble. Keep is simple. Keep it short.

But she’s most definitely going to try to get the Don to lose his mind, like he did when Clinton called him a Putin puppet. He literally came back with, “No puppet. No puppet ... you’re the puppet!�

For the entertainment value alone, we can only hope for another puppet-panic. For our sanity, let’s pray it’s not a Biden repeat.

What else you should be reading

The must-read: Harris says Trump is ‘going to lie’ during debate, prepares for ‘untruths’
The “Whoops, I did it again�: RFK Jr. to remain on ballot in Michigan, state Supreme Court rules
The L.A. Times Special: A state Senate race in South L.A. resurfaces allegations of racism and misconduct

Stay Golden,

Anita Chabria

P.S. Meanwhile, where are Walz and Vance? Going at it over guns. In addition to the tragic school shooting in Georgia, another gunman in Kentucky shot five people on a freeway, and is still at large. Here’s what Vance has to say about the Georgia shooting: