Editorial: Mr. President, for perfect hair you have to turn the knob

Excuse us, Mr. President, but are you having trouble working the shower?

We ask because your comments make us wonder whether you’re doing it right. Your Department of Energy released a proposed rule Wednesday (to be entered into the Federal Register on Thursday) that would roll back shower head standards to allow a virtual Niagara Falls to cascade onto their users’ heads, down the drain and into the sewer. And that brought back your comments from last month, when you said that no water comes out of water-efficient shower heads.

“You take a shower,� you said, “the water doesn’t come out. You want to wash your hands, the water doesn’t come out. So what do you do? You just stand there longer or you take a shower longer? Because my hair — I don’t know about you, but it has to be perfect. Perfect.�

See, some showers have handles, and some have knobs, but in any case you have to turn them. The water comes right out. It’s easily enough to get you soaking wet, and you don’t have to stand there any longer with an efficient shower head than with a wasteful one.

And we know, because here in L.A., our hair is perfect. We get it wet, we use a little shampoo, some conditioner, rinse, and we’re good to go — to the office, to the set, to the hiking trail, to a socially distanced dinner party.

And we save enormous amounts of water. Los Angeles’ population grew by 600,000 people since 1990 — that’s like adding the entire populations of Palm Beach, Fort Lauderdale and Miami — yet our total water use stayed flat. That’s mostly because we started requiring efficient toilets before other cities did, but it’s also because of water-wise shower heads. So even if people are taking longer showers (and by the way, they’re not), the regulations have saved an enormous amount of water and have been a lifesaver for L.A.

We’ve been through a series of droughts, and there’s a good chance we’re in the midst of a multi-decade megadrought, but we’re doing OK. Our thirst is quenched and our showers are either cozy or refreshing. And our hair looks good. Perfect, in fact.

Efficient showers work just fine everywhere, including, we’re quite sure, at the White House.

We were thinking that this might be a little like the situation with the masks, which you opposed, but then said were OK and that you would even wear one because it makes you look like the Lone Ranger. But here’s the thing — these kinds of masks go over the mouth and nose, not the eyes. You weren’t doing it right.

And the water comes out of water-efficient shower heads when you turn the handle or the knob. Comes right out, and not just a trickle, either.

So we don’t need to return to wasteful gushers in the shower any more than we need energy-draining old-school lightbulbs or household appliances that suck up electricity like a vacuum cleaner from 1958.

Your nostalgia for waste is silly. And don’t get us started on your hair.