Two Guys Lose Weight : Call for ‘Jaws of Life’
NOTE: This is a blog about two guys attempting to lose weight over a six-week period. They kicked off their weight-loss “strategies†on Jan 10.
“Glad I’m not you,†e-mailed Health Know-it-all Tami Dennis, remarking on my food choices from the day before.
“Dude, you need protein,†wrote my Boston friend Casey.
“I was beginning to think I’d see you being removed by ‘Jaws of Life from your house or buried in a piano case,†said longtime pal Rob on my Facebook page.
While I don’t think I need the ‘Jaws of Life’ yet (I’m just trying to lose 25 pounds) I thought being buried Tuesday was a possibility.
Not because I was hungry. It’s just that my trainer pummeled me. I’m doing OK with my ton-of-water, oatmeal, salad, broccoli, popcorn diet. It’s much better than the beer and cigarettes diet of days past.
It’s a simple diet.
Breakfast: Oatmeal. Coffee. I’m using skim milk and Splenda. I used to have it black until I moved to Boston. Nobody has it black there. Instead you empty a 6-pound bag of sugar into the cup along with a gallon of half and half. If there’s any room left, add coffee.
Lunch: Salad. Lettuce, spinach leaves, radishes, mushrooms, onions, broccoli.
Dinner: Two packages of Steamfresh frozen broccoli with cheese sauce. You just slop it into the microwave. Six minutes later, it’s done. Who says I can’t cook? Two bags equal 320 calories. Then a bag or two of 94% fat-free popcorn.
So far I’ve lost six pounds and will continue to weigh myself weekly.
No more freelancing as today the big 26.5-pound box from NutriSystem arrives. No surprises. I know what’s in the box. You can customize the selections but I let them send me whatever. I’ve done it before. I know what to do. Just follow the directions. Eat what they tell you to eat. No cheating.
In the meantime, what am I doing in the fitness world? I have no clue. I just follow the directions there too.
After doing 20 minutes on the Stairmaster at 110 steps per minute with “The Boneyard†streaming on my iPhone (Ronnie James Dio -- R.I.P. -- sounded especially good), I hit the gym.
My trainer took notes.
Kneeling lumber jacks – 12 each side (band hitting me in face numerous times means extra calorie loss).
Band squats with some kind of a green rubber thing around knees – 12 each side
Bench double arm rows (same dumb green rubber thing attached) – 3x10, 25 pounds
Crab pushup transfers (it’s a pushup on a half rubber ball) – 6x3
One-arm kettle bell lunges – 4 kilograms, 10 total, five each arm. (what’s a kilogram?)
Bridges (elevated, of course) – 3x30 seconds.
Ball crunches with swing core medicine ball (I don’t know what I just wrote).
Push same ball up toward ceiling.
Box jump-ups. Trainer calls these doing the “cat-burglar.â€
One-legged box skip. I call this doing the “I’m a moron.â€
I was exhausted. NutriSystem report Thursday.
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