'Bachelor' recap: If Juan Pablo only had a brain, Sharleen laments

By Amy Kaufman

Feb. 18, 2014 8:41 AM PT

So: Sharleen for the next “Bachelorette”? Anyone? ...aaanyone?

Yeah, somehow I feel as if you guys aren’t going to get on board with that one. This is unfortunate for you, because Sharleen was the best thing to happen to “The Bachelor” this season.

Which isn’t to say I was sad to see her go on Monday night’s episode, when she told Juan Pablo he just wasn’t the “Juan” for her. While I will indeed miss her snarky side commentary -- um, did you guys catch her enunciating the stupid CAPITAL LETTERS in Juan Pablo’s date invite? -- her departure actually represented something really important on this program.

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From night one, I had a feeling Sharleen would be the Brooks of this season. I know, it’s hard to remember all of the stunning personalities from previous “Bachelor” installments, but go with me for a sec. Last year, when Des was “The Bachelorette,” Brooks was the dude who she saw herself marrying. Then, when she was down to two people, he suddenly peaced out, saying he just couldn’t see a future with her.

But Brooks was clearly torn about leaving Des -- dude was bawling his eyes out -- and clearly had more than just a physical connection with her. Sharleen, on the other hand, was always clear about what attracted her to JuanPabs: His looks.

So this week, she gets the coveted first one-on-one date in JP’s hometown, Miami, and she’s less than stoked.

“I’m missing this cerebral connection I so need,” she lamented in an interview. First of all, no contestant on “The Bachelor” has ever used the word “cerebral,” so 10 points for you, Sharleen. But more important, so few of the people who go on this show are able to grasp that a lasting relationship is comprised of more than just hot make-out sessions in the ocean and helicopters and fantasy suites.

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Speaking of making out, Sharleen and Juan Pablo did a lot of it. It made me feel icky, but it made Sharleen feel good.

“It’s so hard not to kiss him when I’m close to him that it disturbs me,” she said later. “It makes me worry about what’s propelling me.”

Which is one way of putting it.

Juan Pablo, on the other hand, seemed to be attracted to more than just Sharleen’s kissing skills.

“I like the words you use,” he mused. “How you speak -- so proper.”

“I wish I was a little dumber,” SHE ACTUALLY REPLIED. “It’d be so much nicer.”

Yes, JuanPabs, what is it like to be you?

Anyway, I’d give you more details about their night on the yacht together, but they literally just made out for like three hours and also took a selfie, so, yeah. After the date, Sharleen immediately rushed to house mother Renee to share her mixed feelings about the situation. Sharleen said she didn’t want to take a spot from another chick who was totally into JuanPabs, and Renee said Sharleen should really make sure she wasn’t going to have any regrets if she was going to peace out. Which was weird. Why are you being nice, Renee? This is getting you a hometown date!

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While Sharleen was contemplating what a life of no talking and only kissing would be like, Nikki and JuanPabs headed out for a one-on-one date. They started off at a flower shop, where Juan revealed that he’d be taking Nikki to his daughter’s dance recital. Not only would she be getting to meet little Camila, but she’d also get an introduction to his parents and his baby mama.

“I’m speechless-mind-blown,” Nikki said, introducing a new state-of-being.

Which was bizarre. Because if he was going to take one girl on this kind of intimate date, I would have thought he’d go with Andi. But I don’t really think he should have let anyone meet his relatives in advance. Nikki totally has a leg up now, because it’d only be natural for him to more easily envision her as part of his family than the other ladies.

Nikki did her best with the family. She and JuanPabs presented Camila with a hideous flower “arrangement” they’d put together in the show -- this thing was like, wilted tulips and a sprig of rosemary -- while she munched on Baked Cheetos. It was kind of awkward, but trying to endear yourself to kids you don’t know is often a little weird, so I’ll give Nikki the benefit of the doubt.

Later that night, Juan Pablo took Nikki to the Miami Marlins baseball stadium, which she referred to as “his office.” It was cute, because he absolutely does not work there. Like, dude does not have a cubicle hidden on the premises. He’s a former soccer player turned “sports consultant.” You figure it out.

OK, back to the good stuff. Back at the hotel, Sharleen had decided a lifetime full of swapping spit would not be fulfilling. She decided to tell JuanPabs she would be departing, and did the dreaded knock-knock-knock on his door.

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She cried, and he creepily touched her face a lot. Like, a LOT. I felt very anxious.

Despite the fact that he’d made it seem -- to his brother, at least -- that Sharleen was his front-runner, he didn’t seem all that upset when she left. He told her she had his total respect, and the only thing that pissed him off -- his words, not mine -- was that she didn’t sing enough for me. Which really just says it all, doesn’t it?

To ignore any possible feelings, JuanPabs decided to continue making out with girls and took Andi, Chelsie, Renee and Clare on a group date. Chelsie, 24, brought along letters her parents had written her filled with advice on how to approach “The Bachelor.” She whipped them out and read them to JuanPabs, sharing wisdom like “no gum chewing” and “two-drink maximum.” Dude. This is not rest hour at sleepover camp. We don’t need to recite our letters aloud. Thank you and goodnight.

Not surprisingly, JuanPabs didn’t opt to give Chels a rose that night. (Or ever.) Instead, it went to Andi. As a reward, she was taken to a Romeo Santos concert and forced to dance on a platform in the middle of a club with JP. She was a very unfortunate dancer.

Back at the ranch, Nikki and Clare started fighting. Like most spats on this show, I have no idea what the actual source of conflict was, so I’m not going to try to decipher it. In any case, I’m very glad they fought, because it led to this:

There was the obligatory cocktail party before the rose ceremony. While each girl spent her required 15 minutes making out with JuanPabs, the other chicks sat around trying to fill the silence.

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“Does anyone wear any jewelry that you wear all the time?” Chelsie asked. THIS IS LITERALLY WHAT GIRLS ON “THE BACHELOR” TALK ABOUT.

Surprisingly, no one was into that scintillating conversation prompt, so Chelsie said she had to go to the bathroom.

“You don’t have to go that bad, do you?” Clare asked. Yes, Clare literally asked Chelsie to hold in her pee so that she didn’t have to be left alone with Nikki.

Sadly, Chels could not hold it. And Nikki and Clare sat in actual silence for a solid two minutes. It was glorious, but helpful, too, as it gave us viewers a chance to understand what it would be like to date Juan Pablo.

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