Hollywood Headlines: A crazy week in review

Alicia Keys married her producer Swizz Beatz this week on the gorgeous French isle of Corsica, and none other than Deepak Chopra presided over their vows. Go Deepak! But the question on everyone’s lips was “What the heck is Swizz Beatz’ real name?” Well, we’re here to tell you that it’s Kasseem Dean. And what’s more -- Kasseem and Alicia are expecting a little Keys-Beatz in the fall. We hope she’ll be allowed to chose her own last name when the time is right. Click for more on Alicia’s happy day.  (Bryan Bedder / Getty Images)

If you’re going to swan around on stage looking like...well, a swan, then you’re certainly not going to let down the veil when being interviewed. Not if you’re a pro. And not if you’re Lady Gaga. She cunningly used a Vanity Fair cover story to come out with some brilliant sound bites designed for, no pun intended, maximum exposure. For example, in the interview she says she’s worried that people she sleeps with will steal her creativity from her vagina. Hmm. Best not ponder on that visual imagery for too long. Click for more of Lady Gaga’s amazing thoughts and declarations.  (Jonathan Brady / EPA)

So here it is, girls. If you wanna attack the biggest movie stars with broken bottles -- and sure, we know, the urge can sometimes be so overwhelming -- you’re just going to end up in trouble with the law. That’s what happened to Aretha Wilson, who is accused of attacking Leonardo DiCaprio back in June ’05. The bottling resulted in DiCaprio having several sutures to clean up a laceration in his neck. She’s been ordered to stay 500 feet away from the actor – we just hope she doesn’t have a mean throwing arm. And seriously, sister; what’s the beef? “Titanic” wasn’t that bad. Click for more on on Leo’s suspected stalker with the bottled-up anger problem.  (Jonathan Brady / EPA)

So the saga comes to an end -- for now. Charlie Sheen‘s Christmas ’09 funanigans with wife Brooke Mueller -- you remember, the Christmas that Santa was late, when the angel fell from the tree and broke and Brooke said Charlie threatened to kill her while holding a knife to her neck -- finally has closure. Charlie pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault and was sentenced to 30 days in rehab, 30 days probation and 36 hours of anger management training (presumably the special version of the course that removes knives from drawers). But this being a Hollywood star, his punishment is doled out in Lindsay Lohan time, so using credit for time served, Mr. Sheen will check into Promises (what a great name for a rehab!) then turn around and leave (so says TMZ). Click for more on Charlie Sheen-- but hurry -- he might be home by the time you do.  (Riccardo S. Savi / Getty Images)

James Van Der Beek, the man with the longest name in Dawson Creek history, has married his favorite girl Kimberly Brook. Using Twitter (which he used back in April to announce they were expecting a child), Van Der Beek used a command of the English language that had its speakers turning away in embarrassment. To whit: “The woman I love did me the honor of became my wife today.” We’re sure it was a silly mistake that happened in the excite of the moment. Writing: F. Love: A+ Click for more on love, Van Der Beek style.  (Alberto E. Rodriguez / Getty Images)

Bristol Palin has decided that her re-engagement to Levi Johnston isn’t the best idea and has moved back with mommy. What did that nasty Levi do this time? No one’s entirely sure -- but a few fingers point to the rumor that he’d gotten another girlfriend pregnant, a rumor both he and the girl flatly deny. But either way, it was obvious that Bristol forgot to vet her running mate; she’d announced the re-engagement in a cover story piece for US magazine and was happy to be pictured with him. It reminds us of someone else who didn’t vet their running mate too well either. We forgot who. But then he probably has too. Click for more on Bristol’s baby daddy and mama drama.  (Emmanuel Dunand / Getty Images)

Mike Tyson made a huge reveal this summer. Talking on ESPN Las Vegas’ “Gridlock” radio show, he said that the reason he did “The Hangover” was to “supply my drug habit.” That could also explain his performance. Tyson says that since then he’s gone vegan and lost 130 pounds. But it won’t stop fans of “The Hangover” from re-watching the film knowing the state the champ was in when he shot it -- and perhaps seeing it in a whole new light.  (Ethan Miller / Getty Images)