Gwyneth Paltrow’s most outrageous food and gift suggestions

Gwyneth Paltrow has been an entertainer for years. She’s starred in dozens of popular movies, won an Oscar for her performance in “Shakespeare and Love� and delighted audiences of all ages with her performance of “Cruisin’� in the 2000 film “Duets,� a song that spent two weeks at No. 1 in Australia.

However, Paltrow has always been a little out of step with the lives of the common man, often to hilarious effect. Perhaps it’s a testament to her Hollywood upbringing.

Many of these gaffes are delivered via her lifestyle publication Goop, the most unappealingly named website to attempt to sell you $300 harem pants.

And though she’s found success in the culinary realm, she’s been known to be on her own wavelength there as well.

So as we await Tuesday’s release of her third cookbook, “It’s All Easy,� let’s take an opportunity to review just how different life can be when you’re Gwyneth Paltrow. Here are some of our favorite examples:

Fancy toilet paper: When Charmin just won’t do

When Goop published its 2015 Christmas gift guide, the site itself called the list “ridiculous� -- an attempted nod to its previous excesses that failed miserably. Best example of this failure? The inclusion of the Joseph’s toilet paper system (and its Joséphier dispensers, one finished in ebony) for those who can afford to spend hundreds on a toilet paper system and whose sensibilities are such that the website insists on referring to butts as “bottoms.�

Seven limes

Poor Paltrow attempted the SNAP challenge, in which participants purchase $29 worth of food in an attempt to make it last a week, the average weekly allotment afforded families using food stamps. The actress lasted four days, but after posting a photo of her wares on the first day, it was a wonder she made it that long. She started strong with a dozen eggs, black beans and brown rice, but things quickly went wrong with the inclusion of seven limes. Why seven limes? No one knows. Perhaps no one ever will.

A $900 dollar candlestick

Currently found in the Goop Shop is a collection of oxidized brass candlesticks, the largest of which is 8 1/2 inches tall and is being sold for $900, a perfect addition to anyone’s Colonel Mustard cosplay.

$300 worth of ingredients

With the publication of Paltrow’s second cookbook, “It’s All Good,� several outlets endeavored to research how much it would actually cost the average individual to prepare recipes in genuine Gwyneth fashion, only to find that a single day of Paltrow-preparation could require $300 worth of ingredients, including an egg white omelet that cost nearly $30 on its own.

Mushroom knife

Another example straight from the Goop Shop is a beautiful olive wood mushroom knife that costs a cool $70, because sometimes you say to yourself, “Self, how can I best cut these mushrooms without using any of the kitchen knives I already own and also paying three times as much as I would for this specialty product?� Don’t worry, Goop has you covered. On the bright side, it seems to include a free loofah as a value add.

Check out The Times’ look at Paltrow’s latest cookbook, which, even with idiosyncrasies, makes for some great food.

Follow me @midwestspitfire

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