Trump’s future ex-wife?

“A GIRLFRIEND AND I were discussing your ‘hoochie mama’ comment on our morning walk,” a reader writes. “To begin with, we’re not sure we would qualify as hoochie mamas. Moreover, we’re not sure whether this is something we should strive to achieve or avoid.

“On the one hand, we like to dance and do so on those rare occasions that come our way,” the suburban mother says. “We also dance with other women when our husbands would rather sit it out. Does that make us hoochie mamas? On the other hand, we can’t pull off short skirts and high heels so we don’t wear them. At best, I show some cleavage, and my friend has none at all. Does that take us out of the hoochie mama equation?

“If you could elaborate on the definition of hoochie mama, we’d appreciate it. We might as well find out whether we’re in or not.”

-- SUE IN LA CAnADA FLINTRIDGE

Dear Sue,

Indeed, the recent column mentioning hoochie mamas generated lots of interest. To recap: In a piece on weddings, I wrote that nearly every good reception features hoochie mamas on the dance floor -- sexy, tipsy and a little past their prime. My hoochie mama Hall of Fame would be Goldie Hawn, Nicollette Sheridan and Mary Queen of Scots.

Sue, let’s be clear: What a sad world it would be without our hoochie mamas. Their quest for a little fun in our money-driven, work-till-you-drop society should be an inspiration to us all.

To that end, we’ll be opening the first hoochie mama training academy this summer in Redondo Beach. If you think you might be a candidate, please take the following entrance exam:

The Hoochie Mama SATs

1. If you completed college in the requisite four years, you’re probably not a hoochie mama. (0 points)

If you completed college only by occasionally flirting with your professors, you might be a hoochie mama. (6 points)

If you flunked out of flight attendant school for plagiarism, you’re probably a hoochie mama. (12 points)

2. If your underwear comes up past your navel, you’re probably not a hoochie mama. (0 points)

If your high heels qualify as small step stools, you might be a hoochie mama. (6 points)

If you apply eyeliner with a broom, you’re probably a hoochie mama. (12 points)

3. If you think Donald Trump is “a little too creepy, a little too orange,” you’re probably not a hoochie mama. (0 points)

If you think Trump is “Lincolnesque, a great American,” you might be a hoochie mama. (6 points)

If you think Trump will be “my next husband, my gateway to retirement,” you’re probably a hoochie mama. (12 points)

4. If you can help your child with his algebra, you’re probably not a hoochie mama. (0 points)

If you have trouble naming the last three vice presidents, you might be a hoochie mama. (6 points)

If you think the 8th-grade sex ed seminar “left out all the good stuff,” you’re probably a hoochie mama. (12 points)

5. If you’ve had fewer than three husbands, you’re probably not a hoochie mama. (0 points)

If you’ve had three or more husbands, and are still seeing a couple of them on the side, you might be a hoochie mama. (6 points)

If you were ever engaged to your dad’s best friend, you’re probably a hoochie mama. (12 points)

6. If you had fewer than three glasses of wine at the last school fundraiser, you’re probably not a hoochie mama. (0 points)

If you can’t remember how many drinks you had, and consider a martini olive to be a green vegetable, you might be a hoochie mama. (6 points)

If you can’t remember how many drinks you had, where you left your shoes, or how you wound up with that nice man’s watch, you’re probably a hoochie mama. (12 points)

Scoring

0-12 points: Try to get out more. You’re not a museum piece. Or are you?

13-24 points: You have some hoochie mama tendencies. You might even be a “binge” hoochie mama. Wisely, other women sometimes stand between you and their husband. A real hoochie mama considers that a compliment.

25 points or more: Congratulations, you just qualified to teach at the hoochie mama training academy in Redondo Beach. You’ll be expected to dress provocatively, fill every lecture with double-entendres and wink a lot. Remember, professor: You’re not just an educator; you’re a role model.

Chris Erskine can be reached at [email protected].