Now and Zen, It's How You Define Shallowness

By T.J. Simers

Nov. 29, 2005 12 AM PT

These people live among you:

Francis Landicho: “I wish your lips would fall over your head and just swallow it. Shut up -- you’re just jealous that Phil Jackson is making more money than you.”

I’m guessing you’re not wearing a perspective necklace.

Richard Frias: “I’d like to congratulate you on belittling yourself in your recent interview with Phil Jackson. I’ve heard Ali G give better interviews ... if you are just going to rip the home team, let’s sell ads over your column instead. Without the Lakers, you would not have a job.”

All this time, Dwyre has been telling me if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have a job. What a relief to know the guy has no idea what he’s talking about.

Elizabeth Gill Lui: “The fact that Jackson is well educated, personally evolved, a culturally eclectic savant, and a spiritual practitioner should evoke more than a glib angled interview of him.”

Silly me, I just thought he was a basketball coach.

Bob Petty: “At least you allowed enough of Jackson to come through your condescension to show how brilliant he is and transcends the jock sports scene. But by failing to know the meaning of ‘sentient’ you proved you are not a real journalist, but rather a jock journalist representing the typical low ceiling-ed jock mentality.”

What do you have against jockeys?

Win Blevins, self-proclaimed author of “So Wild a Dream,” “Dancing with the Golden Bear,” and 16 other books: “Why do you pose as a redneck, and ignormaus to interview this intelligent man?”

So e-mailers like yourself, who spell “ignoramus” incorrectly, can relate.

Career Management: “You have been chosen for enrollment in the Career Alteration Program (CAP). You have the choice of three new professions, which are currently hiring: Technical power engineer, trade commercial consultant or labor manufacture production officer. Please contact us immediately.”

OK, so who’s the Bruin fan with the sense of humor?

D Lopez: “Maybe you shouldn’t be writing about the Lakers. Your negativity can only hurt the Lakers.”

More than Devean George and Kwame Brown?

Justin Rubin: “I was offended reading your interview with Phil Jackson -- not from a coach’s point of view or Laker fan, but as a person. Jackson has proven himself as one of the best coaches in NBA history. Your sarcastic and sophomoric article was disrespectful.”

I genuflected before I started interviewing him.

Raoul Rizik: “Now I understand my friend’s greeting when I moved here a few years ago: ‘Welcome to L.A., where shallowness runs deep.’

Tell me more about how that gum got stuck in the pit of your stomach.

Ray Burigo: “Normally, I ignore your column, but I read it Sunday by mistake.”

At what point did you realize it wasn’t Plaschke?

Joe Silvey: “I am writing today regarding the great Outdoor section of The Times, which has been canceled. I know that it is not your department, per se, but it does seem that Frank McCourt is somehow involved. With all the cutbacks at The Times, I wonder if the Parking Lot Attendant is to blame. Being the conspiracy theorist that I am, I was hoping you could shed some light on this troubling situation.”

If the Parking Lot Attendant had anything to do with Times’ cutbacks, the sports section wouldn’t have Page 2. Come to think of it, it didn’t one day last week.

Jim Lawson: “I see you’ve been demoted to Page 3. Perhaps soon we can look forward to your being ‘exclusively on the web.’ ”

Just what the world needs -- another blog.

Jerry: “Mr. Simers, I am pretty much computer stupid, but if you could tell me how to create a blog, I would love to make a Clippers’ blog.”

Just find a basement with no windows and start typing a lot of nonsense.

db caulfield: “ ... for a second, try to put yourself in [Jackson’s] shoes. Would you act any differently?”

I’d marry Jeanie, and one day own the Lakers.

Jason Thompson: “Poor T.J. Simers, you could have learned something from Phil Jackson, but your condescending and egotistical ways got in your way. You don’t understand the man because you’re too simple. You embarrass your colleagues by your conduct.”

At least I don’t go to hockey games willingly, like some of them.

Jpkamdar: “To TOTAL JERK simers, you have absolutely zero talent for being a sportswriter. On any subject you have the most stupidest views.”

Only a loyal reader of Page 2 would know that. Thank you.

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from a sportsbook.com press release:

“Seventy-five percent of bettors back Bruins over Trojans in LA grudge match.”

The fools.

T.J. Simers can be reached at

[email protected]. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.