Yes, it takes two -- but one can work fine

When a husband makes a 4:30 p.m. call to his wife, announcing that something’s come up at the office and he’s going to be late getting home ... again ... he’s likely to be apologetic. She’ll be upset that he’s not there, he thinks, upset at the loss of family time, of getting help with the kids, of everyone sitting down to dinner together. Maybe mad -- even really mad.

What he probably doesn’t realize is that the subtle undercurrent he hears in her voice is something else entirely. No sane person imagines that being a single parent is easy, but for the married, occasionally going solo can be a pleasure. Not coming home, dear? She’s not mad, she’s thrilled.

Let’s be clear: This happiness isn’t born of hostility. It’s just that for some, one less adult around feels simpler, less pressured. And plenty of fathers are thrilled to parent by themselves, too, notes David Gordon, a West Los Angeles clinical psychologist.

“I used to travel all the time and my husband loved it,” says Vicky Fox, a South Carthay museum consultant and artist who has one child at college and a preteen at home. “He’s super organized, and with me gone, he didn’t have to worry if meals were on time or the kids knew what they’d wear the next day. Then I’d come home, bringing disorder.”

But women seem to take special pleasure in going solo, in part because “they tend to feel responsible for the needs of all other family members during the small amount of time that they have together each day,” says Santa Monica-based psychologist Lisa Golden. “Not only do you want to make sure everyone has what he or she needs, but you’re always working to keep everyone interacting in a positive way. It’s exhausting.”

Having no dad around also eases mothers’ routine with the kids by eliminating a competing voice. “Even in healthy, well-adjusted familes, there can be differences in how spouses parent,” Gordon says. “Whether it’s the food that gets eaten, the TV shows that are permitted, how late the kids get to stay up, differences in bedtime rituals -- if there’s another spouse there, at some point you’ll be thinking about doing things in a way that meets his approval. Even if the truth is that the other spouse doesn’t care about the difference, it adds an edge of internal conflict.”

“My husband’s a great dad and the girls love him,” says Susan Feldman Tucker, a Westwood artist who has two daughters, 11 and 8. “But when you set a rhythm in the afternoon, it’s easier just to be able to continue with it. We’ve already established that yes, they’ll eat, watch this TV program, do their homework, shower.... We’ve got it covered. I don’t want to have to renegotiate.”

(A tip to all working parents: In terms of coming home while the kids are still up, better never than really late. There’s nothing worse than the spouse who appears just as things are winding down, then wants to hear all about the day or even start a roughhousing session.)

Constantly squabbling siblings may or may not get along better when only one parent is there. “If the parent who’s at home is less consistent with discipline, all hell can break loose,” says psychologist Gordon. “On the other hand, when they see that a parent is alone, they can be more attentive, helpful and quicker to pitch in.”

But for those parents who don’t hesitate to say, “Yes, I am the boss of you!” order can be easier to impose. After all, dictatorship is an extremely efficient form of government.

“When the kids don’t have us to play off against each other, they’re more focused,” says Elise Sandiford, who lives in Faircrest Heights, and has a son in second grade and a daughter in sixth. “When my husband helps my son, often he’s running back and forth between us and wasting time. If it’s just me, I’m in the room with both of them, seeing what’s going on and controlling the situation. It’s more like the classroom. I can say, ‘Your dad’s not here, and you have to get your work done.’ And they do.”

“I’m not saying it’s easier to lay down the law to my son,” says Fox. “But it does mean that I’m the end of the line.”

Being solo at night also allows parents to escape the usual family dynamics.

“Dinner time has always been the Boys Against Mom,” says Cathy Robin of Aliso Viejo, a college program administrator whose son is 15. “Afterward, it’s them wrestling and teasing each other and driving me insane until I retreat to the bedroom. When Barry’s gone, James and I have a chance to talk about something serious, like what college is like, instead of, say, snowboarding. Sometimes he helps me cook. It’s a chance to have moments of being close emerge spontaneously.”

“Usually my husband’s the fun guy and I’m the disciplinarian,” says Dana Pehrson, the Mid-City mother of an 8-year-old girl. “When he goes away, I let the homework slide a little, impose fewer boundaries. We have a great time.”

Getting relaxed, loose and silly with the kids, whether that means eating pancakes instead of a formal meal or watching “American Idol” and belting out ballads with the worst of them, can be great for everyone, says Gordon.

“It’s a huge relief for parents to allow themselves to be kid-like, to put their feet on the furniture and stop worrying for a moment about imparting values and being role models,” he says. “It’s also good for the kids to see that being a parent doesn’t mean losing your playfulness. They can identify more with you, which can create even greater closeness and intimacy.”

And for women who, as Golden observes, often have a hard time carving out private time, the final joy of a spouse-free night comes after the kids are fed and homework is done: It’s having a few precious moments to be a “person,” instead of mom or wife.

“In the old days, before kids, these were the nights I’d go out with my girlfriends,” says Nevra Shapiro, a Santa Monica market research consultant and mother of two. “I still have a single girlfriend and sometimes she and I will have dinner together at my house. The kids are off playing, and we can talk. Sure, we could do this when my husband was there, but it wouldn’t feel the same.”

Even better is time alone, which nearly 75% of the women in a 2001 survey of 2,100 couples by Redbook magazine felt was “extremely” or “very” important to achieving a happy marriage. (Just over half the men felt that way.)

“I can stay up as late as I want,” says Fox. “There’s art I want to do, ideas that’ve come that I haven’t had time to try out. Or I have all these lists of things I want to accomplish -- communicating with old friends, writing thank yous. I love the predictability of it, seeing all the time in front of me and knowing that no one will interrupt me. I’ll even put off sleep to the extent that I physically can.”

“What an incredible luxury to get in bed and have half an hour alone to read!” sighs a Westwood fundraiser and mother of two, whose husband sometimes travels. “Normally, we’re the typical progressive couple who feel like we should be ‘communicating’ all the time. What a pain in the butt that is. When he’s gone, after the kids are asleep, I don’t have to take care of anyone. I don’t even have to talk.”

Carol Mithers can be reached at [email protected].