To avoid the broken heart, simply avoid the heartbreaker

It is a question that has bedeviled Woman since the first Neanderthal clubbed one over the head and failed to call the next day: How can you tell if a man you are dating is sincere?

In other words, is he looking for a good friend, possibly of the girlfriend variety, or just a good time?

All women are familiar with the scenario: We meet someone new, he pursues us, and then, after a few weeks, he disappears like the Cheshire cat, leaving only the ghost of his smile to mock us.

Meanwhile, because the guy has said and done a few nice things, we have tossed our heart in his lap. He plays a few rounds of golf with said heart, then tosses it back to us. We are so busy gazing in disbelief at our banged-up heart that we fail to hear the car door slam. We look up and we are alone, wondering if our heart will still work.

I’m not saying that any man who asks you out has to be prepared to marry you. Nor am I proposing that a guy can’t take you out a few times, decide you’re not for him and gracefully tell you it’s not working out.

I am talking about the guys who behave as though in you they have found the answer to that sweet mystery of life. The guys who lean over and kiss you at every red light, end each date with “When can I see you again?” and introduce you to their family. And then, without warning, go AWOL -- Absent Without Leave-taking.

So how do you know if a seemingly enraptured guy wants to pursue a relationship or if he is just looking for a fling?

He tells you you’re beautiful?

No.

Gorgeous, pretty, sexy?

No, no, no.

Smart, fun?

Double no.

He brings you flowers?

No.

He calls you sugar pie?

No.

These are sweet tidbits with no substance.

One tactic that really gives women the wrong idea is the “I’m going to ... “ line. As in, “I’m going to make you dinner,” “I’m going to change your tire,” “I’m going to take you home to the family estate in Connecticut to meet Mother.” This is known as Dangling Shiny Things in Front of Your Eyes.

The complicit twin of “I’m going to ... “ is “As soon as.... “ As in, “I’m going to do xxxx for you, as soon as ... I get over this bronchitis ... I finish this report for work ... I decide if you’re worth it ... you-know-what freezes over.”

The key here is it is not what the well-intentioned gent says he is going to do, it is what he actually does. Women should maintain a healthy dose of skepticism when it comes to words. Wait and see if he follows through.

Then there is the second part of the equation. If the dividing line between the gent’s rapid pursuit and rapid departure is your going to bed with him, or your refusal to, you are dealing with a species of man known as The Cad. And the only thing to say is good riddance!

He is a Cadus vulgaris extremus if he:

Borrows money from you before he disappears.

Forgets his wallet/credit card at a restaurant, sticking you with the bill.

Refuses to return your personal items.

Ends it via e-mail.

Resurfaces a few weeks later to ask out one of your friends.

Again, to paraphrase Aunt Dorothy: “This isn’t just plain terrible, this is fancy terrible. This is terrible with raisins in it.”

Consistent behavior is the key, and it takes patience to unlock the truth. A true-blue guy doesn’t forget to call when he gets busy. He asks about your sick dog. He makes time to see you. When he sees something he thinks you would like or need, he gets it for you. He does not use these acts as currency. And he does them over and over again until you trust him. And then he keeps doing them.

The only way a relationship will work out in the long run, says a wise woman I know who married for the first time at age 50, is if you keep sex out of it entirely for the first few months. “Become honest-to-goodness friends first,” she says.

If the guy still turns out to be a cad, do not, like the author Jean Rhys (famous for her tragic love affairs), put on the victim’s mantle. “I am a doormat in a world of boots,” she wrote, then had a few stiff drinks. Cads happen. When you have been blindsided by one, remember that he is someone who does not have the capacity for love or intimacy. It truly is his loss.

Miss Dorothy put the cad-survivor’s attitude best:

“Little white love, I hailed you

gladly;

Now I must wave you out of

sight.

Ah, but you used me badly,

badly.

(Who’d like to take me out

tonight?)”

Samantha Bonar can be reached at [email protected].