It’s Becoming Real Difficult to Find a Good Pinch-Hitter

I do what I can, but it gets tiring insulting the Dodgers, Lakers and every other local team with its share of stiffs and crybabies, so I called “The Merchant of Venom,” and asked Don Rickles if he’d fill in for a day.

Of course I had to put him through a comprehensive Page 2 test to determine if he was up to it. What do you think of the Sparks? I asked.

“The who?”

As you can see, he passed with flying colors.

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ANYONE WHO remembers Mr. Warmth’s appearances on “The Tonight Show” with Johnny Carson knows there is no one funnier in America. The trouble is finding someone old enough who remembers the show. So I called Tom Lasorda.

Lasorda was in Vero Beach, Fla., watching Jose Canseco swing a bat. I remember the days when Lasorda watched Kirk Gibson swing a bat, but that’s how far the Dodgers have slipped.

When I told Lasorda that I wanted to talk with Rickles, he arranged it in no time. I’ll have to give Lasorda a call when I’m done with Rickles and ask him if he can arrange to get a clean-up hitter.

As for Rickles, our Page 2 columnist for a day, he said he had been watching L.A. sports for 40 years. Surprisingly, he remains upbeat.

“I used to go to the Dodger games all the time, doing dressing room bits for Tommy,” Rickles said -- revealing the secret behind Lasorda’s success. “He’d tell me to go talk to this guy and that guy. I’d get exhausted working the room and telling every guy they could win.”

Obviously, Rickles would have been a much better hire as the Dodgers’ new hitting instructor than Tim Wallach, a lifetime .257 hitter. You’d start hitting, too, to avoid being abused nightly by the “King of Insults.” Can you imagine what Don Rickles might do with Adrian Beltre?

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IN HIS new position as Page 2 columnist, Rickles began by suggesting the “Dodgers could be good this season if they get a right-handed power hitter.” (Editor’s note: He also thought “CPO Sharkey” would make it as a sitcom.)

Rickles, who will begin working next week on “The Wool Cap,” a TNT movie with William H. Macy, said he’s giving the new Dodger owner the benefit of the doubt. I know of no one else in recent Page 2 history to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. Who thought the first would be Don Rickles?

“I’d like to believe everything the new guy has to say,” Rickles said, and it’s hard to believe that this guy addresses other people by calling them the dummy.

What about the Anaheim Angels and what they’ve done in upstaging the Dodgers?

“Too far to drive,” Rickles said.

“Maybe the Dodger owner will get the idea,” Rickles added, “and sell a few [parking spaces] and buy a hitter. If he doesn’t, then they’re going to have to get Tommy out of the wheelchair and let him manage again.”

A politically correct Rickles (and I wonder if politically, correct and Rickles have ever appeared in the same sentence before), added, “Jim Tracy is a good fella too.” I know of no one in recent Page 2 history to call someone here a good fella. Who thought the first would be Don Rickles?

“Hey, I’m a lovely guy,” Rickles said. “I like both the Lakers and the Dodgers.”

So I told Mr. Potato Head we’re not going to have any of that here on Page 2. Rickles, as you might know, was the voice of Mr. Potato Head in “Toy Story,” and while he had no trouble abusing Tom Hanks’ cowboy doll Woody, I found the master of abuse coming across like Buzz Lightyear, or one of the “Southern California Sports Report” anchors.

“I don’t want to cause trouble to the Lakers or Dodgers,” he said, and so I mentioned Donald Sterling’s name, which should have been chum for the likes of Rickles. “Donald’s a neighbor, and I think Coach Mike Dunleavy is great,” he cooed.

That’s when I brought up “Beach Blanket Bingo,” and Rickles’ big-screen appearance with Frankie & Annette. If you think Devean George has had some embarrassing moments in his career....

But it still wasn’t enough to get a rise out of him. I mean you mention George’s name to Don Rickles and you’d expect the first words out of his mouth would be “hockey puck.”

But then I read an old San Francisco Chronicle story on the web: “Most people think the character I do onstage is the way I am off-stage,” Rickles said. “But I’m just a regular guy who spends time with his family and who turns on TV and watches a lot of sports.”

I had no idea the guy wasn’t cut out for Page 2. I apologize for any positive remarks that Mr. Rickles might have made here, and assure you that you won’t see anything like that here again.

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AS SOON as Hideo Nomo made his first pitch in the Dodger exhibition opener, the umpire took the ball out of play and handed it to the Boston parking lot attendant. I just took for granted the cheapskate intends to save and refurbish all used baseballs. Then we were told Frank McCourt was being given the ball to commemorate the team’s purchase. Only a matter of time before it’s on Ebay.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Larry Wellen:

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“Your article on Davis Love and the demented heckler proves once again (you don’t know what you’re writing about). But, fear not, your second page column will always appeal in a big way to a mostly dumbed-down readership.”

Hard to argue that point today.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at [email protected]. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.