Bring Back the Boom Times in California

“If I can sell tickets to my movies like ‘Red Sonja’ and ‘Last Action Hero,’ you know I can sell just about anything.”

-- Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Los Angeles Times, Jan. 6

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FROM: Gov. Schwarzenegger

TO: Staff

RE: Five-point Marketing Plan for California

1. State of the State address was boring. Blow it up! Next time, instead of me standing at podium reading speech, I should crash through back wall driving Hummer. Possible opening line: “Sorry I’m late -- I just finished driving through a loophole in Arianna Huffington’s tax return.” Cut to audience. Arianna Huffington is there, having good laugh at own expense. Suddenly she blows up -- is robot!

2. Take out ads for California during Super Bowl. I am driving in my Hummer through different states -- New Hampshire, Massachusetts, North Carolina (maybe all the states that goofball Howard Dean shouted out after he lost in Iowa) -- and every state I drive through blows up! I get to California -- does not blow up! Big finish: I go to big California-type party, dance with Coors Light twins on table. Cut to me, smiling at camera, and I say something about how compared with California, all the other states are terminated and/or blown up.

3. Release new movie “California” on 10,000 screens over Memorial Day weekend. Get Industrial Light & Magic to digitally remove $14-billion deficit. Commission new state song by Phil Collins, like Tarzan one, only about California this time and not Tarzan. If anyone tries to download song for free over Internet, we blow them up.

4. Change name of California to “Red Sonja 2.” Reason: When people think of California, they think of fiscal crisis, crummy power grid, Jacko dancing on roof of limo. Bad! When people think of “Red Sonja,” they think of nothing, because no one saw it. Good! Downside: expensive to add “Red Sonja 2” to license plates, state flag, etc. Upside: Cruz Bustamante out, Brigitte Nielsen in.

5. Change my title to “First Action Governor.” Change state motto to “Hasta la vista, baby.” Change state mascot from bear to bear that is really a robot under all that fur. Then it blows up!