No Steroids Were Used in Writing This Column

A few notes from a week gone by before we get to the Olympics, and with all the emphasis put on suspending athletes testing positive for performance-enhancing drugs, I’m sure NBC is thrilled at the prospect of televising drug-free Games that promise only ordinary performances.

At least we’ve still got the X Games presented by ESPN.

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I DON’T see Gary Payton wearing a Laker jersey when he goes into the Basketball Hall of Fame. But then I don’t see Payton getting into the Basketball Hall of Fame without buying a ticket.

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HOW FAR have the Lakers slipped? They traded a No. 1 draft pick to the Celtics, and then made a point of telling Boston it wouldn’t get the No. 1 pick this season if the Lakers are in the draft lottery. That tells you where General Manager Mitch Kupchak’s head is these days.

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THE PITTSBURGH Pirates have a second baseman named Bobby Hill, and the other day he made several great plays at Dodger Stadium, prompting Vin Scully to exclaim, “Bobby Hill -- boy, he’s a hill of a player.”

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THE SAN Diego Chargers invited all youngsters 14 and under to join them for “an experience to remember,” giving them the chance to get their faces painted and get autographs from the Chargers and Charger Girls on Saturday at the Home Depot Center, all of it sponsored by Budweiser. Never too early to remind the kids it’s probably the only way to get through an entire Charger game.

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THE NEW York Post last week wrote about the “Meatbawl Mamma” and Lon Rosen, you know, the “Mascot Mope” who tried to change 40 years of Dodger Stadium tradition overnight. Apparently Rosen was called to give testimony in a court case involving Chef Rocco DiSpirito from that reality TV show about a restaurant. I’m not sure what he had to testify about, but I’m guessing it had something to do with loud music.

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I ASKED X Games participant Bob Burnquist why he skateboards for a living, and he said, “It’s the window to my expression and what I do,” and oh yeah, “because I like the prize money.”

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THE FOLKS who make movies pay people to work as extras. ESPN, meanwhile, invites fans to attend its X Games, so they can be used as props, charging fans $5 to $15 for admittance. An ESPN spokesman said they want clamoring fans in the background because it makes for a better TV shot. Two years ago in Philadelphia ESPN didn’t charge for anyone to attend the X Games.

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THEY TELL me that ESPN spends $1 million a year to advertise on the side of the Hotel Figueroa. (I think we know why they started charging fans.)

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ESPN’S NOTION of equality: First prize for the men’s skateboard street event in the X Games was $50,000; first place for the same women’s event was worth $2,000.

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THE ANSCHUTZ Empire and Shaquille O’Neal have been partners in the Team L.A. at Universal City Walk sports store, which includes a 40-foot neon likeness of Shaq. Tim Leiweke, Staples Center honcho, said the partnership would continue and the 40-foot Shaq soon would be wearing an All-Star jersey instead of Laker colors.

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I WORRY about USC’s priorities. I read where Pete Carroll said receiver Mike Williams missed practice because he had a class to attend.

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RHODE ISLAND’S district attorney said that Laker draft pick Marcus Douthit, arraigned on two embezzlement counts, is expected to cooperate with prosecutors and be “someone we can help chew up the food chain and get the bigger fish.” It’ll be good practice for later this season when reporters need to find a new anonymous source on the team to be quoted saying something nasty about Kobe Bryant. My guess was it was always Rick Fox, so someone will have to take his place.

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MIKE CARLUCCI, the former public address voice of the Dodgers when the voice had personality, will be calling baseball again, this time from Greece for the Olympics, working as the English announcer for baseball. The United States did not qualify, of course, because they didn’t bring Tom Lasorda, both personality and miracle worker, back.

Carlucci, the update anchor for XTRA (690 and 1150) when Vic the Brick isn’t “feeling you,” is also the voice on the Nike ads that have athletes like Andre Agassi playing baseball and Randy Johnson bowling. If only the Boston Parking Lot Attendant had agreed to pick up the tab in the beer frame....

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LOS ANGELES magazine announced it has selected Tony Bruno, who does a morning show on XTRA you want to miss, as the city’s best sports talk show host, which tells me it must have been a two-man contest between Bruno and Joe McDonnell, making McDonnell the loser and Bruno the winner. I do two-minute editorials for the Bruno show three times a week and tape them ahead of time so I never have to listen to the show. By the way, the editorials are a perfect fit on a show that should never be heard.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Jim Smith:

“Instead of ‘wise old man,’ your column should have read ‘FAT old man.’ That’s a nice double chin you have, idiot. Assuming the rest of you is as fat as your chin, you are a real blimp. It’s one thing to be fat, but fat and stupid is a real combo. We know you are stupid because your children are stupid and your columns always miss the point when trying to be funny.”

I eat when I get depressed, so stop with the e-mails.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at [email protected]. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.