Needed: another network in the key of E!

NEWS ITEM

Joan and Melissa Rivers sign multimillion-dollar contract for TV Guide Channel but can’t appear on red carpet for Emmy Awards broadcast.

Memo

To: Tom Cosgrove, general manager, TV Guide Channel

From: Ian Aaron, president, TV Guide Television Group

Re: Let’s be E!

Kudos on snagging Joan and Melissa Rivers! I was worried they might end up on public access. Unfortunately, we can’t put them on the red carpet at the Emmys because E! has exclusive rights. Instead, let’s just hijack the programs at E! I love that exclamation point! Let’s be the TV Guide Channel! It says what we will be! More mindless blather! Oh! Here’s another exclamation point to remind you! And another!

New hires

If former E! President Mindy Herman is done catfighting in parking lots, let’s hire her as a consultant. Co-opt all the fabulous shows that make E! such a haven for celebrity garbage. Hire E! interviewees Tina Malave and Elon Gold, because there’s nothing better than when those unknowns criticize household-name celebrities. Get Kristin Veitch’s take on historical events that preceded her birth. Use E! drama experts like Ginger Lynn Allen (her acting in porn films is soooo underrated). Bring back A.J. Benza.

Programming

Use the “101 Celebrity Oops!” franchise on E! as a template for spinoff shows like “Bad Career Moves,” “Worst Celebrity Singers,” “Jumping the Shark,” “Dysfunctional Celebrity Families,” “Drug Addicts We Love to Torture!” and “PR DISASTERS!” Consider “Idle Speculation” or, better yet, “Idol Speculation!” We could start a whole new crawl: “Why We Think You’re Finished” or “Stars We Hate Who Quit Hit Shows.” We own the Riverses and we own the TV Games Network, cable’s 24-hour interactive horseracing network. Let’s try “Nags and Bags -- Fashion Don’ts of the Kentucky Derby.” Joan can reuse her endless Princess Margaret-horse jokes and Melissa can talk about the horses that carried her clothes on “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.”

Production notes

Keep the background moving constantly. Our roof shot makes you feel like you’re falling -- falling in love with the TV Guide Channel! Kiss up to celebrities who won’t work with E! If they don’t talk to us, criticize them. The publicity from the feud will feed itself. Refer repeatedly to the Seinfeld Curse. The stars of “Seinfeld” got filthy rich and must pay for it whenever they attempt anything new. If someone has an eating disorder, let’s pounce, particularly if it’s a child star. If we can rip apart the Olsen twins like E!, our profits will soar! Use celebrity sound bites from press junkets out of context as reactions to embarrassing personal information. Use only third-hand sources, just like E! Cover the Scott Peterson trial. Remember, a murdered housewife in Modesto is celebrity entertainment! Focus on the pornography of grief. If anyone anywhere dies, make sure we have someone there at the chain-link fence getting shots of the ribbons, teddy bears, and candles. Crying shots are good. Death sells.

TV listings

Reduce the TV listings scroll. Just have it crawl across the bottom like CNN. Let’s cram multiple moving images onto the screen to reduce the giant heads of our hosts. Shove a movie in one corner of the screen, horse racing on another, and then have the Riverses on a split screen talking with our TV Guide writers. In fact, eliminate the TV listings entirely. People can buy the damn magazine. We are the entertainment entity, not the messenger!