Fox’s ‘Swan’ is, well, all wet

Fox’s “The Swan” is turning out to be a turkey, which frankly comes as a shock. Leaving aside taste, scruples, morals, ethics, responsibility, questions of exploitation and decent gown choices -- which “The Swan” cheerfully does -- it should have been Fox’s finest hour, unapologetic depravity at its best.

So what went wrong? What could possibly go wrong with a show in which a gaggle of gelatinously insecure women bent on total self-annihilation get paired with a coven of scalpel-wielding experts on post-human perfection? And what could be better than watching these experts -- especially Nely Galan, former Telemundo bigshot turned generalist life Svengali -- gnash their porcelain veneers at bad girls who order strawberry ice cream when they are supposed to be recovering from major surgery on 1,200 calories a day? And yet, inconceivable as it seems, “The Swan” is a honking snooze.

Fox obviously had no problem rounding up a panel of experts: three surgeons, a cosmetic dentist, a trainer, a stylist, a therapist, a life coach. It also didn’t encounter a lack of exhibitionists suffering from body dysmorphic disorder to happily succumb to the knife, the porcelain, the motivational mantra. (Does it count as body dysmorphic disorder when your plastic surgeon agrees that you are ugly from head to toe? Just wondering.)

Maybe Fox found itself with an unexpected surfeit of material. The network is normally quite adept at using all parts of the reality buffalo, but it may not have known what to do with a stampeding herd.

Judging from the first two episodes of the show, it’s clear the trouble is all in the format. And just one gander at UPN’s recently concluded “America’s Next Top Model” could have nipped that problem in the bud. The women of “Top Model” weren’t put through the same surgical paces as the girls of “The Swan,” but the transformations were stunning nonetheless. More important, though, the models were all thrown into the big Barbizon pit together all day, then went home to the dorm together every night. The way it’s set up on “The Swan,” two women are completely transformed in each episode, one is sent home, and we don’t see either one of them again until the last episode. A few moments of therapy and a couple of sit-ups here, a surgeon woo-hooing his saline sac insertion there -- no long-term emotional involvement, no slow nervous breakdowns, no simmering rivalries, no wagering possibilities, no fun.

Sure, there’s plenty of vigorous on-camera liposucting, but you can get that all day on TLC. What we don’t get is the really good stuff -- seeing the caterpillar-to-butterfly transformation in a cutthroat dormitory environment; catty arguments between women entirely swathed in surgical gauze, swans shuffling downstairs for dinner looking like refugees from the trauma ward, that sort of thing.

The women weren’t allowed to look in the mirror for three months. Maybe the meaner ones among them could have obliged the more fragile ones with scary descriptions.

Clearly, my hopes were high. The idea of combining major plastic surgery (and recovery) with a beauty pageant seemed just too gruesomely promising.

I know, MTV already brought us “Sorority House.” But did it bring us “Sorority House” meets “I Want a Famous Face” meets “Mean Girls”? It did not. And now, nobody has.

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‘The Swan’

Where: Fox

When: 9-10 p.m. Mondays

Rating: The network has rated the series TV-PGD (may not be suitable for young children, with an advisory for coarse dialogue).

Amanda Byram...Host

Creator, Nely Galan. Executive producers, Arthur Smith and Galan. Produced by FreemantleMedia North America and Galan Entertainment.