This Power Lunch Leads to Guy With Fishy Story

By T.J. Simers

Sept. 30, 2003 12 AM PT

So it’s Monday, the San Diego Chargers have lost again, USC took a dive, and worse than losing, UCLA is boring. The Chicago Cubs and Boston Red Sox have a chance to win the World Series, while our teams whiffed at making the playoffs.

If I write about any of this, some of you are going to think I’m only entertained by the misery of others. (That reminds me, though, I should probably call Mike Garrett to see how he’s doing today.)

NOW I really did give a thought to writing something constructive, knowing we have editors here who could teach me how to pull it off if I tried, so I called Dodger Boy. I thought maybe Kevin Malone, who is working as vice president for development at The Master’s College, might have some helpful tips to pass along to Dan Evans since he knows more about baseball, but just like the Dodgers, we never seemed to connect.

As for other possibilities, my phone rang Monday morning, not once but twice, and each time it was a boxing flack wanting me to write about a pair of washed-up fighters, James Toney and Evander Holyfield. Someone else called trying to get publicity for the women’s World Cup soccer. If it ever comes to L.A., I said, call me.

I mention all of this because I was obviously down to the bottom of the barrel, which explains why I found myself taking notes while having lunch with three geezers in the Traxx Restaurant at Union Station.

If you’ve met Ted Grossman, you already know he was the man in the boat swallowed by the shark in “Jaws,” because while you and I might say, “hi” to someone when we meet, Grossman begins almost every conversation by reminding everyone he was the man in the boat swallowed by the shark in “Jaws.”

Grossman, a former stunt man in many movies, including “The Godfather,” “E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial” and the memorable “Sssssss,” is also former Charger general manager Bobby Beathard’s friend because he continues to tell Beathard that picking Ryan Leaf wasn’t a mistake no matter what anyone else has to say. Beathard always acts surprised too, when Grossman tells him he was the man in the boat swallowed by the shark in “Jaws.”

Grossman brought along his Beverly Hills High pal, Al Barry, the former Trojan, who once auditioned for the film role of “Joe Palooka,” and who went on to become the starting left guard for the New York Giants in the 1958 championship game, the greatest NFL game ever played.

Unlike everyone else from USC I talked with over the weekend, Barry only badmouthed the coaching staff once during our lunch for blowing the California game.

Now when Barry sat down, he immediately began pulling out pictures of Kathie Lee Gifford to show everyone. I suppose there’s a perfectly innocent story to tell, but I wasn’t really paying attention.

Don Familton completed the foursome, and if your last name is Familton instead of Hamilton, it’s pretty much accepted you’re just a little off kilter. Familton worked previously as trainer to former heavyweight boxer Tex Cobb -- after Cobb got waylaid by Larry Holmes -- and he played the role of a referee on an episode of “Ally McBeal.” Everybody has the memory they cling to; Dodger fans have 1988.

“It was the bit where Ally’s in bed with a nude model, and her other cohorts are in a bar watching a fight on TV, and they keep going back and forth from the fight to the bed before I’m seen counting eight, nine, 10,” said Familton, and I could see Grossman shaking his head in disgust -- like what does this have to do with “Jaws”?

The three of them wanted to know about Kobe, so that made four of us who have no idea what’s going on. Karl Dorrell’s name came up, and that made five of us who have no idea what’s going on with UCLA’s football team.

NOW SINCE I contend that Evans and the Spanos Goofs are out to lunch almost all of the time, I was pretty lucky to avoid them Monday. In fact, I highly recommend going to any lengths to avoid the usual cast of sports’ characters on occasion, and meet some fresh faces.

Now if that fails, have lunch with Grossman, Barry & Familton.

“I only came to lunch hoping you might put the name of the boxer I’m training now in the paper, Joe Celery,” Familton said, and I wish I had asked him how to spell Joe’s name. I hope I got close.

“I just wanted to show you these pictures of Kathie Lee,” Barry said.

“I was hoping you’d put the name of my nephews in the paper who just finished first and second in surfing in Hawaii,” Grossman said, and before he could continue, I said, “No,” because you do that, and sooner or later every John and Jim Grossman is going to want their names in the paper.

Lunch over -- since he gets a check every time “Jaws” appears on TV, Grossman agreed to pick up the tab. It also gave him the chance to tell the waiter he was the man in the boat swallowed by the shark.

THE CLIPPERS ran an advertisement in The Times on Monday morning, which read: “Ten Benjamins get you twenty tickets to the most electrifying show in town.” We know this from experience, one Benoit Benjamin never did the trick.

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Gary M. Brown:

I know Jim Tracy will be back because he has a contract, but I wish someone would bring up Mickey Hatcher’s name as manager. He’s a favorite of Dodger fans, personifies hustle and enthusiasm, managed in the minors and would bring a sense of spirit in this drab, lifeless, corporate club that used to be such fun to support. Let’s recall “Gray” Tracy, and draft Hatcher.

I think a guy who wears his hat backward would be perfect to run this team.

T.J. Simers can be reached at [email protected].