Saddam’s Strength as a Novelist? It Would Have to Be His Plots

BBC News item: Two novels soon to be published in Iraq are thought to have been penned by President Saddam Hussein. Newspapers in Baghdad did not mention him by name but hinted the two books were his work.

It is believed Saddam Hussein has published two novels already. These books were released with the credit “A novel by its author.� The two books now causing a ripple of excitement go under the same pseudonym, according to the official Iraqi news agency INA, but no other details have been released.

Attempts to reach Hussein to get to the bottom of these reports were unsuccessful, so here’s our best guess at the substance of the works, and a look at his other forays into creative self-expression.

Novel 1

“Hussein Humiliates Bush: A Historical Novel�

Author’s note from book jacket: “I don’t think of myself so much as a writer, but as a literary medium. I feel the characters within me and just write what they tell me. That is, until a character tries to say or do something I don’t like. Then, I kill him. Without mercy. Without hesitation.�

Synopsis: It’s 1991 and the humble Iraqi leader is, as always, busy caring for his people. New roads, new hospitals, new weapons of mass destruction. Nothing is too good for his people. In fact, Saddam’s people are his weakness. He simply cares too much.

Then, George Herbert Walker Bush and his greedy American hordes invade his country. They want oil. The world cowers before the Americans, even Saddam’s beloved people are afraid, but the desert strongman stands up to Bush and says, “No, you cannot have my people’s oil. At least not for less than $30 a barrel.� The great Saddam tricks the blundering Americans into overrunning 90% of Iraq in less than 72 hours. Saddam signs a “surrender� and watches the greedy Americans pack up and leave. Saddam triumphs again!

Novel 2

“Hussein Humiliates the Son of Bush�

Synopsis: In late 2002, Saddam’s charitable works for his impoverished people are again interrupted by the pesky American hordes hellbent on revenge. Having humiliated the elder Bush, Saddam now faces the son of Bush. But again, Saddam outsmarts the American cowboys. He hoodwinks them into bombing his country into the Stone Age and turning Baghdad “into a multi-decker parking lot.� And just when the enemy thinks it has won, Saddam throws an old-fashioned Texas BBQ Surrender Party, signs the papers and watches the Americans head back home in another humiliating defeat.

Poetry

“A Line in the Sand--The Collected Poems of Saddam Hussein�

The dictator bares his soul. We soon forget about Saddam, the man working feverishly to build a 10-megaton nuclear device capable of being detonated inside an attache case, and instead long to be close to the vulnerable human beneath the bullets.

The title poem is a forbidding and sophisticated cry for peace and international brotherhood:

Here is my line in the sand

Cross it

And I’ll kill you

And your family

And everyone you and they

have ever met or spoken to

or e-mailed.

I’ll dig up all your relatives

And kill them again too.

You better believe it, buster.

Saddam’s Other Works

* Watercolors by Saddam: An amazing study of light and composition called “Anthrax Dawn.�

* Children’s book: “Saddam I Am,� in which a cuddly Saddam teaches kids to read while never questioning a state-approved author’s intent or content.

* Pop song: “I’m Not a Goblin, Not Yet the Devil.� Saddam answers his critics head-on with this tender coming-of-age ballad.

* Saddam’s Home Catalog: The dictator’s boot isn’t the only thing that leaves an impression. Wait until you see his fabulous new home designs that are sure to brighten any hut or hide-out.