Scrooge Would Fit Right In Here

The news, quite frankly, is shocking.

I was chatting with a chap from USC’s Center on Philanthropy and Public Policy and learned that in Los Angeles, charitable giving is “less robust than in other major cities.�

For shame.

Every Monday morning, the big news is the $50 million raked in by the lucky studio of the week. The median home price in Malibu is $2 million. And there’s no shortage of self-congratulatory do-gooders spouting pinko politics from behind mansion gates.

So where’s the giving?

In its rags and riches report, the United Way said nearly 18% of L.A. County lives in poverty.

I bring up this subject because with your help, maybe we can get the aforementioned tightwads off the dime, so to speak.

All you have to do is bang out a little ditty and donate $5 or more to the L.A. Times Holiday Campaign (details above), which supports a wide range of charities throughout Southern California.

The author of the best verse will win fame (your name published here) and fortune (dinner at the Los Tacos between the 7-Eleven and the carwash in West Hollywood).

All ditties must be written to the tune of “We Three Kings,� and to get you in the mood, I’m going to pen a few lines myself.

Are you ready?

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We three kings of Hollywood are

Smoking only Cuban cigars.

New squeeze is the rage.

She’s not half my age.

Just bought a seventh car.

(Chorus)

Oh, Oh!

Give a nickel, give a dime,

A precious moment of your time.

Let’s split royalties,

Where’s your loyalty?

Your last film was such a crime.

Gary Winnick, ain’t it a shame?

Poor Winona, she got framed.

God save Vivendi.

Give Winona a Fendi.

The victim is always blamed.

Oh, Oh!

If I seem to be a mopin’,

My movie tanked the day it opened,

Give me a break,

I know heartache.

Lost my maid and I’m a copin’.

We three kings of Malibu are

On the beach, and you are afar.

Keep out riff-raff,

We have the last laugh.

Stay out unless you’re a star.

Oh, Oh!

Star of wonder, star of might,

Star with royal beauty bright.

If you’re heart’s bleeding,

Stop the needing.

Write a check and mail it tonight.

I know who’s got money to send.

Where’s my check from TBN?

They grovel for weeks,

Those hair circus freaks.

God knows who gives in the end.

Oh, Oh!

Star of wonder, here’s our call:

A shekel for the charity ball.

Bonused at Sony,

Gave it all to Mahony?

He blew it on Rog Mahal.

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Steve Lopez writes Sunday, Wednesday and Friday. Send your contest entries to him at [email protected].

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How to Enter Steve’s Sweepstakes:

One verse and one chorus is enough to get you entered in the sweepstakes. And don’t think you’re going to sneak in without handing over some money.

Donations (checks or money orders) supporting the Los Angeles Times Holiday Campaign should be sent to:

L.A. Times Holiday Campaign, File 56986, Los Angeles, CA 90074-6986. Please do not send cash. Credit card donations can be made on the Web site: www.latimes.com/holiday campaign.

All donations are tax-deductible. Contributions of $25 or more will be acknowledged in The Times unless a donor requests otherwise. Acknowledgment cannot be guaranteed for donations received after Dec. 18. For more information about the Holiday Campaign, call (800) LATIMES, Ext. 75771.