Or He Could Try a Neon Sign: ‘Hey, Officer, I’m the Guy You’re Looking For’

I guess it’s difficult to concentrate when you’re being chased by the cops. A suspect in Paramount recently peeled off his shirt while on the run from L.A. County sheriff’s deputies but forgot he’d left his cell phone in a pocket.

Not only that, the city’s newsletter related, the guy had helpfully taped his name and address to the phone. Hello!

Speaking of absent-mindedness: I’m also having a bit of trouble focusing, this being my first day back after a two-week vacation. In fact, if you don’t mind, I’m going to ease my re-entry by taking some vicarious trips (see photos).

* In Portland, Ore., Chuck Schroeder of Mission Viejo spotted a spelling-challenged student’s notice about a lost item.

* In British Columbia, George and Glen Patricia Ljubenkov of San Pedro found a sightseer’s attraction that isn’t usually available indoors.

* And Jerry Derloshon of Malibu sent along a shot that his daughter, Melody, had snapped in Paris, where one theater owner had trouble with the beginning of “Hollywood Ending.”

What I did on my vacation: First, I cut my beard, which evidently had become a bit too shaggy. A couple of days earlier, I was having breakfast with my wife in a Long Beach restaurant when a woman walked up to me and said, “You were great last night.” As I was choking on my granola, her escort apologetically explained that she thought I was playing the role of the elderly character Captain Andy in the local production of “Showboat.”

I decided a trim might give me a more dashing look for the road production of “Harvey Family Vacation.”

Escape from L.A.: And I couldn’t wait to get out of town after perusing the scary “Yahoo! Travel Guide to Los Angeles” at a rental car outlet. Some excerpts:

* “Much has been written about crime in Los Angeles through the years, though overall figures have gone down recently.”

* “Be warned, [at Six Flags Magic Mountain] you’ll have to deal with roving, raucous, hormone-crazed teens.”

* “Don’t let the horror stories about Los Angeles freeways (all 1,000 miles of them) scare you off.”

* “Hollywood is all grit and grime.... You’re about as likely to bump into Tom Cruise or Michelle Pfeiffer at Hollywood and Vine as you are to be around for that 9.0 earthquake everybody yacks about.” You might see Captain Andy, though.

miscelLAny: In San Luis Obispo, where we fled (cell phones in our pockets), I was delighted to discover that the police department posts its own dumb-criminal-tricks stories on the outside of its substation.

The latest involved a parolee who was arrested “after he rode a stolen bike to a meeting with his parole officer.”

It gets better. The reason the theft came to light was that the perpetrator parked the bike across the street from the store where the owner worked. Hello!

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Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LA-TIMES, ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A. 90012 and by e-mail at [email protected].