JUST SO LONG AS HE DOESN’T THROW...

JUST SO LONG AS HE DOESN’T THROW LIKE A LINEBACKER

Miami at St. Louis, 10 a.m., Channel 2. Trivia note: Last Sunday, Jay Fiedler became the first Dolphin quarterback to run for two touchdowns in a game since Kyle Mackey in 1987. Conclusion to be drawn: Dan Marino didn’t roll out much. Fiedler scored his second touchdown in the final seconds to beat Oakland, and did so with a head still groggy from a wicked hit inflicted on the previous series. “We weren’t sure if Jay was all there,� Miami Coach Dave Wannstedt acknowledged. That kind of hit sends most quarterbacks to the training room, not the end zone, which left Dolphin linebacker Zach Thomas highly impressed. “He could definitely play defense,� Thomas said of Fiedler. “Watching him drives me.�

The line: St. Louis by 6.

MICHAEL JORDAN WOULD HAVE CLEARED 70%, EASY

Kansas City at Washington, 10 a.m. On the first day of the post-Jeff George era, the Washington Post Web site posed the following poll query: “What’s the long-term solution for the Redskins at quarterback?� Tony Banks, the new starter, received 21.7% of the vote. Newly acquired backup Kent Graham got 4.2%. Rookie Sage Rosenfels got 15.4%. The runaway winner, pulling down 58.7% of the vote, was “Player To Be Named Later.� But that’s only because Sonny Jurgensen wasn’t on the ballot.

The line: Kansas City by 3.

AND THAT THERE WAS THE DEAL-BREAKER

New Orleans at New York Giants, 10 a.m. Scratch the Saints off your NFL wish list, Los Angeles. Wednesday, the state of Louisiana and the Saints struck a deal that should keep the team in New Orleans for at least another decade. So what is the going rate for NFL extortion--er, I mean, “franchise inducement�--these days? Answer: $186 million. Los Angeles probably could have put together a package to match that. Except for the dinner reservations at Commander’s Palace.

The line: New York by 3.

MARQUEE READS: ‘ROB JOHNSON VS. KORDELL ST ... AW, FORGET IT’

Pittsburgh at Buffalo, 10 a.m. Twenty years ago, this would have been a matchup between Terry Bradshaw and Joe Ferguson. Ten years ago, this would have been a matchup between Jim Kelly and Neil O’Donnell. But that was then, this is reality now: See Josh Miller punt the ball. See Brian Moorman punt it back.

The line: Pittsburgh by 3.

JUST HOLD THE BALL TIGHTER, TSHIMANGA BIAKABUTUKA. BUT, THEN, THAT’S EASY FOR ME FOR SAY

Green Bay at Carolina, 10 a.m. It’s a long way from Kinshasa, Zaire, to the Carolina Panthers’ scout team, but Biakabutuka and his slippery hands have completed the voyage. Biakabutuka was demoted this week after fumbling twice in the exhibition season and once in each of the Panthers’ first two regular-season games. Biakabutuka was philosophical about the decision: “It’s consequences. If you don’t hold onto the ball, you get demoted. I’ve just got to work my way back up.� And try to forget the immortal words of Wendell (Chili Dog) Tyler: “All great backs fumble.�

The line: Green Bay by 31/2.

AND BRING IT ON THE COLTS SHALL

Indianapolis at New England, 10 a.m. The wildest rumor emanating from Patriots’ camp this week was: a) Drew Bledsoe suffered a concussion against the Jets; b) Bledsoe ruptured his spleen against the Jets; c) Bledsoe broke a rib against the Jets; d) Bledsoe punctured a lung against the Jets; e) Bledsoe has none of those injuries but he really got hurt against the Jets, and while he’s out, the Patriots might bring in Troy Aikman. Wild, all of them, but none on a par with this quote from Tom Brady, second-year pro from Michigan and New England’s new No. 1 quarterback: “I’m used to playing before 112,000 people. I know it’s different because it’s the NFL, and I respect that. But if they want me to do the job, bring it on. I’m ready for it.�

The line: Indianapolis by 12.

DEAR MRS. CARTER: YOUR SON IS A VERY BRIGHT CHILD, BUT SOMETIMES HE HAS TROUBLE PLAYING WITH OTHERS

Tampa Bay at Minnesota, 10 a.m., Channel 11. In other NFL apology news, Viking wide receiver Cris Carter, the 2000 NFL man of the year, acknowledged he “had no self-control� and made “a tremendous mistake� by verbally abusing coaches and teammates during various tirades during his team’s loss to Chicago on Sunday. “The Chicago game was like a test, and I flunked,� Carter said. “But I think that during the course of my career, and the course of my life, that I have [had] enough tests where I’ve gotten A’s and a lot of extra credit.� And what did he get for his performance in last season’s NFC title game? Detention?

The line: Tampa Bay by 21/2.

COMING UP SOON: ANOTHER STORY

Atlanta at Arizona, 1 p.m. Chris Chandler and Michael Vick are saying all the right things right now, about how they can amiably coexist shuttling in and out of the lineup, sharing the role of quarterback for the Falcons. Other teammates aren’t so PC. “The whole situation can go either way,� cornerback Ray Buchanan frets. Tackle Bob Whitfield adds, “As long as we’re successful using both quarterbacks, it isn’t going to be a problem. If we start losing, then that’s another story.�

The line: Atlanta by 3.

LAST YEAR, THE OPTIONS WERE WYNN OR LOSE. WHICH, REALLY, WERE ONE AND THE SAME

Cleveland at Jacksonville, 1:15 p.m. Wherein the Browns return to the scene of perhaps the worst performance in club history, pre-or post-move to Baltimore: Last season’s 48-0 defeat against the Jaguars, who kept the ball for more than 37 minutes and kept the Brown defense on the field for 82 plays. Spergon Wynn quarterbacked the Browns that day, directing an offense that netted 33 yards rushing and 33 yards passing. In Cleveland last year, they called that great balance.

The line: Jacksonville by 9.

PAGING TOM MATTE

Baltimore at Denver, 1:15 p.m. Surprise storyline of the new season: The Ravens are not the same team without Jamal Lewis. In his place, Terry Allen is averaging less than three yards a carry and bristling at suggestions that he’s not getting the job done. “I get sick and tired of hearing it,� Allen says. “Anyone who thinks they can do better, go back there and try it.� Hello, this is the Baltimore Ravens football club. Yes, Mr. Ameche, Coach Billick was expecting your call. Right now, he’s on the other line with Norm Bulaich. Can you please hold?

The line: Denver by 5.

PAGING PAULIE WALNUTS

Seattle at Oakland, 1:15 p.m., Channel 2. So, who were the unnamed Seahawks who leaked Coach Mike Holmgren’s expletive-enhanced rant about Seattle fans, made to his team inside their dressing room, to Sports Illustrated, prompting Holmgren to issue a public apology? Defensive tackle Chad Eaton wonders: “You say things like, ‘Who’s the rat?’ And you treat it like a mob family. Some of these guys aren’t made guys yet and we really need to find out who it is and tell them to shut up because we can’t have what goes on in here on the front page [every day].� Some of these guys, they’re lucky Tony Soprano isn’t executive vice president of football operations on this (expletive deleted) team.

The line: Oakland by 101/2.

SPEAK SOFTLY AND JUST CARRY THE DAMN BALL

Dallas at Philadelphia, 5:30 p.m, ESPN. Emmitt Smith has cast his vote in the “who should quarterback the Cowboys� debate--and no, he didn’t go for Eddie LeBaron. Smith said he would go with Anthony Wright over Quincy Carter because “he did some things out there [against San Diego] that were very nice. He made some plays.� This did not please Coach Dave Campo, who was quick to remind, “None of our players are going to determine who plays.� That’s what Campo gets for asking Smith to be more vocal this season. Campo: “I meant inside our own locker room.�

The line: Philadelphia by 131/2.

UNTIL THEN, JEFF GARCIA IS HERE TO PROVIDE A PERSONAL DEMONSTRATION

San Francisco at New York Jets, Monday, 6 p.m., Channel 7. Jet wide receiver Wayne Chrebet is preaching patience on behalf of the team’s new West Coast offense, which managed 10 points Sunday against the Patriots. “If you’re expecting us to look like what the Rams look like, [that is unrealistic] because those guys have been together a little bit.... If you expect the old 49ers, or who the Rams are now, that would be great, but that takes time.� As in at least until next April, when the Jets might be able to draft David Carr.

The line: New York by 3.