In Laguna Beach, Life Apparently Is Just a Bowl of Berries--Most of the Time

Call off the SWAT team: The Laguna News-Post evidently has some trouble filling up its weekly police log, as evidenced by this item:

“Balboa Avenue, 29000 block, patrol check. Kids who were throwing berries at Moulton Meadows were reported to police by neighbors. Police were sent to the location but the berry-throwers were nowhere to be found.”

What a shame that no one nabbed these lawbreakers red-handed.

A real corker: My colleague Bart Everett noticed a label for snooty drinkers who like to reject the first bottle that the waiter brings them (see accompanying).

Speaking of curiosities: Duane Munro of West Covina came upon a tree that can tell time (see accompanying). Did the seller mean “sago” palm, perhaps?

Turning the clock back: A fifth-grader asked elementary school teacher Terri Lau of Toluca Lake, “Was it leap year last year?”

Lau said it was.

And the boy responded: “I thought so, because I don’t remember a February last year.”

I’m not so sure I do either.

Lively debate: Victor Kerlins of Westminster wondered if the cheaper varieties of cockatiels in one ad were the deceased ones (see accompanying).

Taming telemarketers: After a discussion here of tactics to use against phone solicitors, Carol Levin wrote:

“Every time I get one that starts out, ‘Hi, how ya doing tonight?’ this is what I say: ‘Well, actually, not too great. My husband just left me for a younger woman, and they’re foreclosing on the house. My son has run away to join the Hells Angels, my daughter spent all of her birthday money on her 15th tattoo, I just got out of jail on a bad check charge, and as if all this weren’t enough, I’ve been fighting this cold.’

“And after a pause, I ask, ‘And what can I do for you this evening?’ Try it sometime.”

Which reminds me: I once got a call at home from a solicitor who asked, “Is this the decision-maker in the house?”

Talk about being let off the hook!

I answered truthfully: “Certainly not.”

Appropriate name: The Irvine World News reports that a man was arrested for public drunkenness in a bar that sort of described his situation: Rockbottom.

Signature lines: More pet phrases of broadcasters past:

Ed “Superfan” Bieler, a sports talk show host, used to end his show: “Remember, in the department store of life, sports is only the toy department.”

I mentioned before that an old Hollywood Stars baseball announcer’s farewell line was: “This is Fred Haney--rounding third and heading for home.”

Which reminded Lorine Parks of Downey that the comedy team of Bob and Ray used to parody that sign-off by having their mythical baseball announcer intone: “This is Biff Burns, rounding third and being thrown out at home.”

And I’m headed home to see the decision-maker and kids.

miscelLAny: I was saddened to read of the demise of the Web guidebook LAinsider.com--especially its open forum, “Blast Stupid Drivers.” If you have any problems with stupid drivers in the future, feel free to direct your blasts this way.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LA-TIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A., 90012 and by e-mail at [email protected].