And in This Aisle, Bats and Bone Saws

Sure, it’s almost Halloween time, but don’t expect to find any actual human skeletons for sale at Necromance, the Melrose Avenue store that specializes in ghoulish items.

“People are more politically correct now,” said owner Nancy Smith, with a slight tone of distaste. “They use plastic.”

Well, perhaps not all that politically correct. After all, she has plenty of other smaller items to send a chill down your spine, including:

* A bat preserved in a bottle ($20).

* Tonsillectomy pliers ($35).

* Human skulls ($425 to $600, depending on the number of teeth).

* Bone saws ($55).

* Snake skulls ($55).

Jewelry is also a big seller, especially some charming rat skulls ($68). “They have jewels in their eyes and hanging from their nose,” Smith said.

And she just purchased a line of “really nice old poison bottles from 1910 to 1920.”

She added: “Poison not included.”

DIDN’T CATCH THE NAME: I mentioned that in the novel “A Friend of the Earth,” author T.C. Boyle foresees the formation of the giant coastal cities of Los Andiegoles and San Jose Francisco in California, circa 2025.

Well, Arthur Purcell and Bill Thompson noticed that Caltrans already is combining some of the inland cities (see photos).

Each spotted “Bakermento” on a San Diego Freeway sign in the Marina del Rey area. Which is not to be confused with an Interstate 5 listing of “Sacrafield” a few years ago.

And don’t think that your cruel columnist took advantage of Caltrans and snapped a photo of “Bakermento” while the workers were on a lunch break the day the sign was changed. Judging from the reports I received, “Bakermento” had been greeting motorists for at least eight days. It may still be there, unless someone at Caltrans awakened.

SPEAKING OF NEW IDENTITIES: Jack Wormsley observed that a senior citizens community in Hemet has changed its name, perhaps to attract more residents (see photo).

TIMELESS THEMES: USC’s football team is on a three-game losing streak and nearly as painful to watch as a procedure with tonsillectomy pliers. I was reminded of “Wake Up to Murder,” a mystery novel of a few years ago by Steve Allen. It contains a sardonic song about L.A. woes that rhymes “people sleepin’ on the streets” with “USC defeats.”

FROM LAME USC FOOTBALL TEAMS TO LAME POOCHES: An old joke in a Laguna Woods newspaper caught the eye of Bette Baillet:

“Lost dog: Reward! Yellow-brown mixed breed, blind in left eye w/torn right ear. Missing two teeth and four toes on left hind foot. Right leg is crooked. Missing half a tail. Recently neutered. Answers to the name ‘Lucky.’ ”

miscelLAny:

The presidential debates would have been more interesting to me if the late Gracie Allen could have been included. I’d love to hear what the other two candidates would say of her presidential campaign slogan in an episode of “Burns and Allen” that was replayed on KNX radio:

“I’ve never stolen a nickel and all I want is a chance.”

*

Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A., 90012 and by e-mail at [email protected].