LAUGH LINES

Ties That Bind: “I guess you all know Madonna is with child. Which is great. Now her daughter will have somebody to go to therapy with.” (Jay Leno)

The Royal Dish: “Queen Elizabeth met with Australia’s president. They discussed the upcoming Olympics. If Australia agrees to make bad marriages a demonstration sport, the royal family could bring home the gold for England.” (Argus Hamilton)

A Fast-Food High: A Jack in the Box employee “was arrested for allegedly selling methamphetamine at the drive-thru window. You think they screw up the drug orders as much as the regular orders? . . . ‘I ordered crystal meth, you gave me crack! And there’s cheese on it!’ ” (Leno)

Paper or Plastic: “Supermarkets are starting to install these new machines that give customers the opportunity to scan and bag their own groceries. This way, you get to bag all the heavy items on top of the light items all by yourself.” (Andrew Wiscot)

In the Doc House: “Paramount Pictures was picketed by 200 gay rights activists to protest Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s TV show. She’s accused of being homophobic and bigoted and sexist. Any day now, the pope is expected to apologize for her.” (Hamilton)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.