Sign Maker Can’t Do Spelling Bees

Has Southern California’s traffic congestion become a joke? Mary De Camp of L.A. points out that you could get that impression from a sign at an entrance to Pacific Coast Highway in Santa Monica (see photo). Of course, there are things more irritating than unfunny signs. At least there are no mimes stationed there.

TODAY’S CATCH: Art Vinsel notes that culture has washed up on the shores of San Pedro (see photo).

Alas, I don’t suppose karaoke night in the fish market will inspire many renditions of that 1940s novelty song, “Three Little Fiddies� (“ ‘Fwim,’ said the Momma Fiddie./ ‘Fwim if you can.’/ And they fwam and they fwam/ All over the dam.�)

You have to admit they don’t write ‘em like that any more.

AND, NOW, THE SEQUEL: Perhaps the DMV has heard the saying that you know you need to see a doctor when you begin to look like your driver’s license photo.

Penny Carter-Lockert of Long Beach renewed her license by mail though she knew she’d “have to live with the less than flattering DMV photo taken five years ago.�

She was delighted when her new license was accompanied by a note that said the “photograph does not meet our standards. . . . You may present your license with this notice to the nearest [DMV] office and obtain a new photograph for which there will be no charge.�

THE PRICE OF FREEDOM: “As a senior citizen, I was given a free safety deposit box by Great Western Bank of Seal Beach, now Washington Mutual,� wrote Bruce Stark. “I got a nice letter saying it was in recognition of my advanced years.

“Shortly thereafter, I began receiving bills that there was a late charge on my free box! Inquiry revealed that even though I received a bill marked ‘Free Box,’ along with a late charge of some $20, it was my responsibility to advise the bank that I had a free box!�

Something fiddy about that offer, all right.

TUNED OUT: Owner Georgia Frontiere of the Super Bowl-bound St. Louis Rams was recently asked if she felt sorry for fans in Southern California, the team’s former home.

Recalling the small crowds in Anaheim, she cooly responded that Southland fans “can watch us on TV, just like they chose to do when we were there.�

Once again, Frontiere, the ex-chorus girl, has demonstrated a lack of familiarity with NFL football. An NFL team must sell out a home game beforehand in order for the game to be televised locally. Otherwise it is blacked out.

So fans who chose not to buy tickets to see the mediocre Ram teams of that period weren’t expecting to see the games on TV. They didn’t want to see the Rams period.

AND WIPE YOUR FEET OFF FIRST! A newspaper reporter arriving for a USC journalism fund-raiser at 20th Century Fox drove deep into the recesses of the studio lot before a valet signaled him to stop.

As he got out, the scribe asked for directions to the dinner. The valet was mildly incredulous. “Why, you follow the red carpet,� he responded, pointing to the entrance of a nearby building.

What the valet didn’t seem to realize was that newspaper people aren’t used to having red carpets rolled out for them.

miscelLAny:

When she received a new purchase in the mail, Mary Dacey of L.A. noticed that the label said, “Never throw against the ground or intentionally soak in water� (see accompanying). She quipped: “That is exactly what I was planning to do with it! After all, what are flashlights for?�

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Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATIMES Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053 and by e-mail at [email protected]