After E-Mail and E-Commerce, Could E-Gregious Be Far Behind?

The e-commerce people are desperate. For example, Buy.com. Their latest ad is white letters on a black background for the full length of the silent 30-second spot, a psychological twist if there ever was one. The words are etched on your memory. A prisoner of suggestion, you lurch to the computer to buy more stuff you don’t need. You surf the waves of merchandise. You sink into debt. You’re over.

But there’s hope! Yes, friends, you now can go on the Web and be safe from the urge to buy. As an antidote to those high-pressure sites, we’re planning the following. Put them in your favorites and you’ll notice the difference immediately.

www.nadaforsale.com--We have nothing for sale. Nothing at all. We don’t even have free stuff. It’s nothing, as intimated by the name.

www.completecrap.com--Easy to resist. No one has ever bought any of this stuff. No one has ever given us their credit card number, not even people who normally buy everything.

www.nodelivery.com--On this site, you can buy stuff, but it will never be delivered. Not by Fedex, not by UPS, not even by the U.S. Postal Service, true to form. Your charge card is safe, even from delivery charges.

www.yourownclothes.com--It’s impossible to spend any money on this site, because you already own them, see? Guaranteed to fit.

www.peopleloser.com--We have no idea where anybody is. At no charge.

www.defunctstocks.com--An entire online brokerage of dead issues. How can you lose? You can’t even buy.

www.readmylips.com--A fairly impressive selection of worthless campaign promises, dating from the Harding administration. Nobody bought them then; nobody buys them now.

www.yourneighbor’sox.com--A sure cure for the sin of covetousness, which gets so many people into hopeless debt. Who in his right mind wants an ox?

And finally, www.marriottgrozny.com--”Ask about our American Plan.”

The great thing is you can let your kids roam these sites serene in the knowledge that they can’t spend a dime. So far we haven’t received a single order, and we haven’t delivered a thing. No money has been received. No one has charged anything. Nothing. A phenomenal success that has Internet gurus shaking their heads. Still, there’s one troubling aspect: Even though we’ve been in the black from Day 1, our stock is a dog.