LAUGH LINES

A Word to the Wise: “Hillary Clinton had breakfast at a diner in upstate New York, and she didn’t give the waitress a tip--which isn’t exactly true, because she did tell the waitress to stay away from her husband.” (Conan O’Brien)

Situation Normal: “Gov. Jesse Ventura announced that he was severing his ties to the Reform Party. Ventura’s defection is expected to leave the party in total disarray. In other words, it hasn’t changed a thing.” (Craig Kilborn)

That’s All, Folks: “Michael Jordan taped a TV ad endorsing Bill Bradley for president. You would think he would endorse Jesse Ventura, Pat Buchanan or Ross Perot--he works so well with Looney Tunes characters in those MCI spots.” (Argus Hamilton)

Made to Order: “As the competition heats up for the Republican presidential nomination, John McCain is steaming mad at the George W. Bush camp. It seems a telephone pollster allegedly working for Bush called McCain ‘a liar, a cheat and a fraud’ in a call to a voter. What’s he so upset over? With qualifications like that, winning the nomination should be a slam dunk.” (Ira Lawson)

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