THE FIRST DAYS IN THE WHITE HOUSE

GEORGE W.’S DIARY

Jan. 31, 10 p.m. Poppy phoned 9:45 a.m., left message: “Your mother and I can’t wait to visit. Just say ‘when’!� Don’t like the sound of this. Poppy bored lately with Asian lecture circuit & I don’t need him jockeying my horses while working indigently to establish my own presidentiality. Draft response: Sorry, Dad, just flea-bombed the Dubya-House (what’d ya expect after eight years of Democrats? ha, ha!). Besides, you know how certain chemicals turn Mom’s hair mauve . . . . Oops, got to go! New billiard tables for Green Room just arrived. Memo to self: Laura says we need a more presidential dog. Too late to stuff and mount Millie over fireplace? Hey, we need some experience around here. (Ha, ha!)

Feb. 3, 6:43 p.m. Got to toe a hard line with those boys at the NRA. Bad stuff, their going off half-cocked like they did about setting up shop right here under the Dubya-House walls. No-sirree Bob, the Rose Garden is as far as they get, and if they’re not happy as pigs in mud with that new shooting range out there, then that’s just too darn bad. And no dumdum bullets, either. Those Secret Service fellows got their shorts in enough of a bunch over this already.

Feb. 6, 9 p.m. Poppy & Mother unrelenting on issue of visit. Where to put them? Sony Lincoln Bedroom coming along nicely, but maybe more comfy in Monsanto George Washington Suite. Note to self: remind staff to waive mini-bar charges.

Feb. 8, 8 a.m. Mulling choice of First Lady’s Social Commitment Theme. NRA boys suggested “It Takes an AK-47 to Raze a Village,� but I’m pretty sure they’re kidding. Poppy suggests Laura embark on “Everything Is Perfectly Fine� campaign. (Bit too ‘90s for my taste.) Need to make STATEMENT! Mother willing to go to the mat against gallstones, but I think we need a positive message. “Take Your Vitamins�?

Feb. 9, 9:44 p.m. Suspect that pork rinds aggravate Poppy’s Graves’ disease. Wonder what he meant when he said, “When I gave you the keys, I said, ‘Take her for a spin,’ not, ‘She’s all yours!’ � Had to insist he stop bugging me for nuclear launch code. Why can’t Poppy and Mother go back to Kennebunkport for a spot of tenny? Poppy offered speaking engagement in Dionesia, or whatever they call that place in Jakarta, but he says chile-peanut sauce gives him acid reflux. Laura mad because my parents always visit first. Wish Poppy would stop muttering, “There’s no place like home!�

AL’S E-MAIL

Feb. 6

To: GoreV[email protected]

From: [email protected]

Dear Gore: While I am in no way ashamed of our distant kinship, I do quite frankly get hot under the collar when I hear your demands that the White House “vomitorium� be put on the White House public tour. There is no vomitorium, never has been and you know it, and your claims to have entered it during the Kennedy administration are patent fabrications. Even if you meant this in jest, I resent the implicit comparison to Rome in decline, especially when I’m trying to build a better bridge to tomorrow for the children of our children’s children. Sincerely, AG

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To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Yo, Bubba! (Been wanting to say that for years!) So happy to know you’ve come around to my way of thinking as regards choice of VP. What a stroke of luck that he dropped that unpronounceable symbol just months before the convention. Knew it was just a matter of time before an OG like you would come to appreciate the flair & flavor Vice President Prince would bring to our cause. (Hey, the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as you-know-who was no easy sell to Tipper--thank goodness they’ve kissed and made up). Let me tell you, VPP’s sense of style has been a real asset to this place. Check this out: The inauguration present has really put some fizz back into our marriage (hint, hint, Bill & Hil!). Whenever I see that purple heart-shaped bed descend from the Presidential Bedroom ceiling, I get butterflies. . . .Yer pal, Al

P.S. You aware of any secret Romanesque-type rooms in the White House?

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To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Greetings, Bill! Just a note of thanx for your input in the launching of www.videoprez.gov. As you know, it’s long been my conviction that the Internet will become democracy’s lifeline, and that 24-hour streaming video of my whereabouts should be a real confidence builder for the American people. Your idea of planting those orthoscopic cameras in the Cabinet members’ ear studs (another of VPP’s excellent image-enhancing suggestions) really gives the site that edgy, reality-TV feel. Nothing like constant surveillance to make sure you turn off those water faucets while tooth-brushing! Regards, Al

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Tip--Nothing against feng shui, but don’t you think a bamboo thicket in the middle of the Oval Office is overdoing it just a bit? You know I’m not the type. And even if I were, www.videoprez is in itself a pretty good deflector of sexual vibrations emanating from underlings, if you know what I mean. Luv, Al.