LAUGH LINES

Minding His Manners: “Al Gore began campaigning . . . in Chicago. It’s true he’s no Bill Clinton. . . . At one point, a very attractive woman reached across the rope line and kissed him--and he didn’t even stop for a picture!” (Argus Hamilton)

The Early Years: “I’ve got to admit that Gov. George W. Bush gave a good speech [at the Republican National Convention in Philadelphia]. He talked about his rough childhood. You know--growing up in a log mansion. They said he was driven from the age of 5--in a limo.” (Jay Leno)

Just Like Old Times: “George W. Bush gave a rousing acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention. Bush says he put as much time and thought into writing that speech as he did on some of his old term papers in college. In other words, he bought it off of someone.” (Ira Lawson)

Free at Last: “Actor Robert Downey Jr. is out after serving time in [prison] on drug-related charges. To put in perspective how awful prison was, Downey said that he would actually prefer to be in a movie produced and directed by Barbra Streisand than serve more time.” (Alex Kaseberg)

The Solo Gig: “The New York Times reports that celibacy is a growing movement among single adults. It says that 17% of all women surveyed had no sex at all in 1999. And of that group, 90% demanded a refund for the White House tour.” (Hamilton)

Say It Isn’t So: “It seems like Regis [Philbin] might be doing a new show if these reports of an [extramarital] affair are true. It’s called, “Who Wants to Be Half a Millionaire.” (Leno)

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