Commentary : Boosting Brain Cells as Well as Bust Lines

The Miss America Organization has hit this year’s contestants with a double whammy: The women are allowed to wear more revealing swimsuits (including two-pieces, as long as they are not string bikinis or thongs), and the interview portion of the contest will be given more scoring weight--20% versus the old 10%. In essence: lighter bodies, heavier thoughts.

As if the pageant princesses didn’t have enough to worry about. There’s the problem of keeping your lips from sticking to your teeth (solution: Smear Vaseline on the teeth), for example. With potential exposure of another pound of flesh, will another tube of Preparation H and an extra roll of plastic wrap be necessary? (Miss America recipe for swimsuit success: Spread liberal amount of hemorrhoid cream on thighs. Wrap in plastic wrap. Leave on overnight. Thinner thighs await you in the a.m. Do not try this at home.) Then there is the extra spray glue that will be needed to keep the skimpier suits from “riding up.” The dilemma: safer one-piece or sexier but potentially disastrous two-piece? It could mean the difference between putting on a crown and putting on a brave face.

But remember, no thongs. As the organization takes pains to make clear, this is a family show, moved for the first time this year to the “family friendly” time slot of 8 p.m. and hosted by teeth-achingly sweet Donny and Marie Osmond.

“With the earlier start time, young viewers will be able to enjoy the excitement all night long,” says Robert L. Beck, president and chief executive of the organization. Because every little girl in America should know she has the opportunity to hold her breasts together with duct tape when she grows up, if that is what she chooses.

As if the new bathing suit option wasn’t stressful enough, contestants also must be more articulate, quick thinking and intelligent. How can you top the “No children in the world should go hungry” and “I think our most important goal is to find a cure for AIDS” insights of yesteryear? They will have to think about important political issues like never before and opine on them while worrying that they may have lipstick on their teeth. And imagine the grueling hours in front of the TV watching “Geraldo Live!” for insights.

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But there’s one change we all can live with. For the first time since it was introduced in 1935, the talent competition will be limited to the five finalists. This is good news for contestants and audience alike. The talent competition holds all the fascination of a car wreck. We can’t help but look, but--ooh!--there is a lot of wincing.

It is interesting to note that the organization’s official category for the swimsuit competition is “Physical Fitness in Swimsuit.” Granted, it is a physical challenge to walk half-naked across a stage in high heels. But I would like to see some chin-ups, maybe some relay races.

The evening gown competition is officially dubbed “On-Stage Personality in Evening Wear.” Besides questionable judgment, choice of evening gown does not reveal a lot about a woman’s personality. Aside from some oddities, most Miss America evening gowns look pretty much the same: sequins, beads, bows, maybe some feathers. The evening gown does not make the woman, even if the woman makes her own evening gown.

All this stress, just for a chance to go to college. From the way it bills itself, you would think the Miss America Organization was the United Negro College Fund for those with blond ambition. The organization’s mission statement reads: “The Miss America Organization is a not-for-profit corporation established solely to provide contestants with the opportunity to enhance their professional and educational goals, and to achieve those pursuits with the assistance of monetary grants and awards.”

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Now, some may question why someone should get a college scholarship because their bod looks good in a slinky evening gown. To that, the organization would respond that that is why they are putting more emphasis on the interview portion of the competition. But then, what is the point of the bathing suit and evening gown parades? Is the organization promoting the classical Roman ideal of a sound mind in a fit body? That would be OK, if they would only admit that and stop calling themselves a “scholarship organization.” If it looks like a beauty pageant, sounds like a beauty pageant . . . this emperor is wearing only a teeny-weeny non-thong bikini.

Now, if the pageant is about scholarships, not flesh, I have one thing to say: Show me the money. The winner gets $40,000 and $200,000 in speaking engagements. Nothing to shake a sceptre at. But the cash takes a steep nose-dive from there. The first runner-up scores $30,000. The second runner-up gets $20,000; the third, $15,000; the fourth, $10,000. The remaining 46 get $3,000 each. Parade half-naked in front of millions, Vaseline on your teeth, for $3,000? That wouldn’t cover tuition for even one term at most colleges, much less the price of most pageant-quality evening gowns. It hardly seems worth it.

If these young women want scholarships, how about getting one the old-fashioned way: Plant your seat in a library chair and study your rear end off, and save the Preparation H for its intended use.

The Miss America Pageant airs Sept. 18 on ABC.