Did You Say, ‘My Spumoni’ or ‘Fire Simonian’?

Yorba Linda officials have conceded, rather embarrassingly, that significant gaps appear in the audiotape of last month’s closed-door council meeting. At the meeting, council members and legal counsel were discussing the ramifications of firing longtime City Manager Arthur C. Simonian, who in fact was fired later that day.

Here’s what was probably said:

“Who had the turkey on sourdough?”

“I had turkey, but it wasn’t on sourdough. Is there a turkey on white toast anywhere in there?”

“Uh, yeah, here it is. Turkey and Swiss on white toast.”

“Swiss? I didn’t order cheese on it. I’m allergic to cheese. Does anyone want to trade?”

“I’ll trade. Do you want my roast beef?”

“Yeah, gimme the roast beef. What should we do about this Simonian business? How did we get ourselves so far behind the 8-ball?”

“As I see it, we’ve got limited options. According to his contract--”

“Hey, you didn’t tell me this roast beef had dijon mustard on it. I hate mustard.”

“Can’t you just scrape it off?”

“Yeah, but I’m just saying you should have told me it had mustard before I agreed to take it.”

“Hey, why are you sitting in that seat? You know I always sit there.”

“I don’t see your name on it.”

“That’s not the point. You’re just being obstinate.”

‘ “Arthur” the Movie?’

“Look, let’s not get bogged down here. Do you want to fire this guy, suspend him or just give him some kind of formal reprimand?”

“Have any of you seen ‘Sixth Sense’ yet? I swear, that is the greatest movie since ‘Ghost.’ The ending will blow you away.”

“Well, don’t talk about it! I hate it when people give away the ending of movies.”

“Believe me, you won’t figure this one out. The kid who plays the lead role is amazing. They oughta give him the Oscar right now.”

“That’s the way I felt about Patrick Swayze in ‘Ghost.’ How that guy didn’t get best actor is beyond me.”

“Let me get this straight. You thought ‘Ghost’ was a great movie?”

“Uh, how about if we get back to Simonian? You might want to consider that he poses a rather sticky potential problem. If we fire him, I can almost guarantee you he’ll sue us. Is that something we’re prepared for?”

“We’ve been sued before. Let him bring it on. We’re on solid ground. . . . Aren’t we?”

“City managers suing councils is never pleasant. They tend to know way, way too much about how government works, if you get my drift.”

“Maybe we can buy him off.”

“Why not just knock him off? I’m joking, I’m joking.”

‘Who Had Simonian Dressing?’

“Hey, have any of you bought anything online? Do you really think it’s a good idea to give somebody your credit card number over the computer?”

“Where do you think your credit card goes when you send it back to the kitchen in a restaurant? Anybody can look at it.”

“Do you think Simonian would look better with or without a mustache?”

“Tell me the truth, do you think I’m putting on weight?”

“Does anybody here know a good mechanic?”

“How much would it cost to get more comfortable chairs for the regular council meetings?”

“Folks, the clock is ticking. We really need to move on Simonian, one way or the other.”

“How many strip malls do we have on Yorba Linda Boulevard, anyway?”

“Is this a good time of the year to go to New Orleans?”

“We’re getting a bit far afield. Let’s take a straw vote here.”

“I say we fire him.”

“Me too.”

“Me too.”

“OK, looks like 3-2 for termination.”

“Any other business?”

“Is there any cheesecake left?”

“Where’s my hat?”

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Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday.

Readers may reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821, by writing to him at The Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or by e-mail at [email protected].