LAUGH LINES

Doggy Downsizing: Taco Bell announced that its star Chihuahua will be given a minor role in upcoming TV commercials. “Pat Buchanan immediately lauded the decision, pointing out that too many Chihuahuas have been entering the U.S. illegally to take jobs from American purebreds.” (Bob Mills)

Not That He’s Wooden or Anything: A New Hampshire supporter of Bill Bradley says the former basketball player could be the next FDR. “As for Al Gore, he could be the next OAK.” (Gary Greenfield)

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The Essential David Letterman

Top Ways the World Would Be Different if It Were Owned by MTV

9. Instead of the presidents, schoolkids must learn the lead singers of Van Halen.

7. George W. Bush refuses to answer whether he’s ever “gotten jiggy wit” it.

5. “Great Depression” refers to period between Backstreet Boys albums.

4. New national anthem would contain samples of other country’s national anthems.

3. Instead of death penalty, prisoners forced to watch Britney Spears videos in heavy rotation.

1. First Lady Marilyn Manson.

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