SIMERS’ RANKINGS

Top 5

1. Miami

Crime does pay.

2. Tennessee

Definition of a charmed life: playing the 49ers without Steve Young, running game, any defensive backs.

3. New England

Life without Bill Parcells isn’t so bad.

4. Dallas

If only Cowboys could have back-to-back byes, as wacky as things are going, they could become the league’s top team.

5. St. Louis

The end of the world.

Bottom 5

27. San Diego

Chargers couldn’t sack Peyton Manning, but defensive end Chris Mims gets credit for stealing four tacos from man.

28. Atlanta

As soon as Jamal Anderson went down for the year, Chris Chandler felt another twinge in his hamstring.

29. Denver

Al Davis had a point: This guy Shanahan can’t coach a lick.

30. New York Jets

The way the Jets are playing you’d think Bob Davie was calling plays for Rick Mirer.

31. Cleveland

Oddsmakers are already making them a seven-point underdog to lose to Ovitz’s new team.