LAUGH LINES

Ready, Aim, Fire: Boris Yeltsin was reportedly shocked at the bombing attacks on Yugoslavia. “Gee, I hope this doesn’t drive him to start drinking.� (Steve Voldseth)

On the Campaign Trail: Allegedly there’s a photo going around of Texas Gov. George W. Bush dancing nude on a bar while drunk. “All these years you thought he was a member of the Bush family, turns out he’s really a Kennedy.� (Jay Leno)

On the Campaign Trail II: Democrats are gearing up for their convention in L.A. next year. “They’ve already contacted Disney to see if the company can possibly animate Al Gore.� (Jordan Tyler)

She’s Baaaack: Monica Lewinsky told People magazine that she has trouble keeping a boyfriend. “I think it has something to do with their wives finding out about it.� (Leno)

Taken for a Ride: California fined Disneyland for safety violations stemming from last year’s fatal accident. “The total fine was $12,500, or roughly what a visit to the park costs the average family of four.� (Jerry Perisho)

The Police Blotter: In Iowa, several Amish teens were arrested after rioting, vandalizing a farm and overturning several buggies. “The worst part is that the teens spray-painted everything with the words, ‘Electricity Rules!’ � (Conan O’Brien)

Off the Court: Converse canceled Dennis Rodman’s endorsement contract. “Converse officials couldn’t be reached for comment, however. They were on unscheduled leave in Las Vegas.� (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Coming to a Theater Near You: With the debut of the new “Star Wars� movie nearing, the merchandising effort is being geared up. “In fact, there are even plans to make a Broadway musical starring Michael Crawford that would be based on the movie. It’ll be called ‘The Phantom Menace of the Opera.’ � (Joshua Sostrin)

Logging Off: Naked pictures of Keith Richards are circulating on the Internet. “I bet Al Gore isn’t bragging about inventing the Internet now.� (Alex Kaseberg)

Off-Key: Marilyn Manson canceled some shows after twisting his ankle. “Apparently the Antichrist doesn’t have as high a threshold of pain as you might think.� (Colin Quinn)

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The Essential

David Letterman

Things you don’t want to hear from a cab driver:

10. “You don’t mind if I swing by my apartment to reload my gun, do you?�

9. “Does the back seat smell like a dead guy?�

8. “You’re not a cop, are you?�

6. “All the empty bottles up here keep rolling under the brake.�

5. “You can help yourself to the loose potato chips under the seat.�

3. “Mommy let me drive by myself today.�

1. “My passengers have a nearly 80% survival rate.�

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Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.