LAUGH LINES

Back to Basics: The president held a news conference last week. “He said it felt odd answering questions without being sworn in first.” (Jay Leno)

It All Makes Sense: President Clinton told a firefighters’ association that as a kid, all he wanted to be was a firefighter. “Funny, because what gets him in trouble are old flames.” (Bill Williams)

Check Please: The president wants the international community to forgive billions in debt owed by African nations. “Hey, that’s easy for him to say. He can’t even keep track of his own American Express card.” (Paul Steinberg)

He Knows the Internet: Dan Quayle made fun of Al Gore’s claim that he invented the Internet. “Then again, what does Dan Quayle know? He thinks an Internet is a small intern.” (Argus Hamilton)

Another One Who Knows the Internet: Steve Forbes, the billionaire who spent millions on his ’96 campaign and lost in the primaries, is running for president. “He says this time, with the Internet, better organization and more efficient management, he thinks he could lose the primary and spend only half that.” (Steve Voldseth)

A New Record: The International Olympic Committee voted to expel six members for their part in the 2002 Winter Olympic bribery scandal. “Gee, I hope this doesn’t affect their eligibility to compete in the 2006 Winter Olympic bribery scandal.” (Voldseth)

Gotta Hand It to Him: A Florida funeral home director has been found guilty of cutting a hand off a corpse and taking it home with her to use in a voodoo ritual. “Oh, sure, like you’ve never taken anything home from the office.” (Voldseth)

Ear Today: A man in Florida was arrested after he bit off part of another man’s ear during a traffic dispute. “How’d you like to be the guy who got his ear bit off? The one man in Florida who still has his own teeth, and you get in a fight with him.” (Leno)

Holy Hit: The pope is releasing his first CD. “He’s the first pope to ever have a CD and the first person who didn’t have to make a deal with the devil to get a record contract.” (Leno)

Holy Hit II: The pope has a new CD and music video. “What’s next? Kate Moss on the Food Channel?” (Mark Efman)

Oscar Hangover: Roberto Benigni won two Oscars. “He said he wanted to kiss and make love with everybody. Who does this guy think he is? The president?” (Zack Taylor)

Roll ‘em: A new policy means that movie trailers can’t be louder than the film. “Now if they could only require the movies to be as good as their trailers.” (Gary Easley)

Rattle and Roll: A Web site is displaying naked photos of Keith Richards. “I believe you can see them at www.InTheNameOfGodNo!.com” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.