LAUGH LINES

Scandal du Jour: Juanita Broaddrick alleges President Clinton attacked her 20 years ago. “Today Hillary Rodham Clinton was asked for her reaction to all these recent accusations, and she said she doesn’t care how many women they dig up. She knows in Bill’s heart she’ll always be Jane Doe No. 1.” (Jay Leno)

On the Air: Barbara Walters’ interview with Monica Lewinsky will be broadcast tonight. “In the interview, Monica Lewinsky says she wants to apologize to the whole country. The whole country, man, how many married guys did she have an affair with?” (Leno)

On the Air II: The interview will last two hours. “Two hours? That’s more time than Clinton spent with her.” (Dennis Miller)

Sorry Times: Ted Turner apologized to the pope for telling a Polish joke. “One more public apology, and Democrats will nominate Turner for president.” (Gary Easley)

Legalese: Under a new law, New York police can confiscate the cars of suspected drunk drivers. “The cars’ll be towed away, never to be seen again. New York restaurants have been using that system for years. It’s called valet parking.” (Bob Mills)

Legalese II: In Wisconsin, police plan to dress like construction workers in an effort to catch more speeders. “If this works, they are going to start dressing like other members of the Village People.” (Conan O’Brien)

Layoff Line: Levi Strauss is planning to shut down half its U.S. factories because sales of its jeans are down. “You want to win us back, Levi’s? Stop posting our waist measurements on the back!” (Miller)

Coming to a Theater Near You: In Manhattan, movie ticket prices just hit $9.50. “The good news is, they’re still cheaper than Milk Duds.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Look, Up in the Sky!: Jupiter and Venus were in an unusual alignment in the evening sky. “They appear side by side but are actually millions of miles apart. A lot like Bill and Hillary.” (Cortes)

Doctor Doctor: A study found Prozac is effective in treating kleptomania. “In fact, they can’t keep it on the shelf.” (Leno)

Grammy Gripe: Music’s annual awards were given out last week. “It was an interesting night. Lauryn Hill read from the Old Testament, and Steven Tyler looked like he could have been there when it was written.” (Daily Scoop)

Grammy Gripe II: “Celine Dion won the Grammy for Best Album Everybody Thought Was Released Three Years Ago.” (Miller)

Changing Channels: “Beverly Hills 90210” has been renewed for a 10th season. “In fact, I understand there’s going to be some new characters to update the show next year. They’ve already recruited Strom Thurmond, Keith Richards and Bob Dole.” (Andrew Wisot)

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