A Little Creativity Can Help Wallflower Get a Social Life

Dear Vicki: In response to the letter from “Already Out Crowd” (May 30), the mother’s pain about her child not being invited to a school birthday party: It doesn’t get any better.

My 11-year-old daughter is a very sweet and loving child, but she isn’t very popular or good at athletics. One day when the school bell rang, a little girl in my daughter’s class passed out invitations to her all-girl party. When my daughter moved up in line, the birthday girl withdrew her hand and passed the invitation around her. She was the only girl not invited. Devastated, she got into the car and broke down.

When I called the other girl’s mother, she justified her daughter’s actions by saying her daughter couldn’t include an unpopular girl in her party without risking her own popularity. I was ill. My baby still hasn’t recovered. Is there anything more I can do?

--WALLFLOWER’S MOM

Dear Mom: I, too, am sickened by this incident. As the mother of an 11-year-old, I well know the importance of social standing at this age. How do we ever convince our little darlings that late bloomers are the Steven Spielbergs, Bruce Springsteens, Chers and Alanis Morissettes of the future? They won’t believe us for another 20 years.

The first thing you need to know is that the birthday girl’s mom is straight out of the Texas Cheerleader School of Parenting. Ignore her.

Move right on to a trusted and enlightened person of authority at the school; like the principal, teacher or counselor. Remember, too, that most mothers are not as clueless as the birthday girl’s. Try, too, to help your daughter cultivate friendships beyond the in-crowd/out-crowd social dogmas of her school. Put her in dance or art class, encourage her to try Girl Scouts or commit to the children’s program of your place of worship. She just might meet the Midge to her Barbie.

In the meantime, Mom, keep your chin up. This, too, shall pass. Besides, think how smug you’ll feel when you go to Stockholm to see your daughter receive the Nobel Peace Prize with the knowledge that the birthday girl has recognized her mother for the superficial person she is and refuses to let her touch the grandkids. Isn’t karma groovy?

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Dear Vicki: On the subject of children’s birthday parties and whether to invite the whole class: We opted for a small backyard party with friends for our preschool-age birthday boy and his toddler brother. We invited three non-school playmates and their younger siblings and one schoolmate and his little brother (with whose family we have an outside-of-school friendship). We did not invite any other kids from school (per your “Three Kids or Less” Commandment).

But at least one preschool mom found out and wouldn’t talk to us. Now we learn we’re shut out of a play activity. What can we do, or could we have done?

--WHO MAKES THE RULES?

Dear Rules: Birthday party rules are a combination of common practice in your community tempered with some common sense and compassion. It may be slightly irritating, but it’s ultimately easier to consult some other parents in your school or play group to ask what “everybody else does.”

You were completely appropriate and sensible in your birthday invitations. Just between you and me, that offended mother is way too “up in her kid’s mix” for her own good and should get a life, but don’t quote me. You’ll be far more successful if you call her up and tackle the issue head on.

Go right for the jugular with, “Nancy, I’m just devastated to think that you might have misinterpreted my invitation strategy for Buster’s birthday party. You know how crazy Buster is about Little Johnny, and if we could have invited all the boys in the class, you know Little Johnny would have been at the top of the list. But, since I needed to serve two masters, Buster and Baby, I needed to limit the gathering to the four moms whose kids knew both of mine. I know Johnny is a personal favorite, and we would love to invite you both over sometime next week to give the friendship the attention it deserves. . . .”

Hey, a little humble pie never fattened anyone.

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Vicki Iovine is the harried author of the “Girlfriends’ Guide,” a columnist for Child magazine and mother of four. Every Sunday, she’ll answer questions about family, parenting and relationships. Write to her at Girlfriends, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053; e-mail [email protected]. Include name and phone. Questions cannot be answered individually, and no telephone calls, please.