LAUGH LINES

Goose and Gander: “First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton said she opposes her husband’s ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy for the military. Gee, I wonder why. It worked so great for their marriage. She didn’t ask, he didn’t tell. What was the problem?� (Jay Leno)

Golden Age of TV: “NBC announced they are starting a new game show called ’21.’ It’s all about finding dates for Michael Douglas. If she’s over 21, ‘Get her out of there, she’s disqualified.’ � (Leno)

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The Essential David Letterman

Top Things You Don’t Want to Hear at a Bus Stop

10. “If it’s crowded, you can sit on my lap.�

9. “Maybe if the bus gets in a big accident, we’ll be on the news.�

8. “Since we’ve been standing here, I’ve swallowed 19 tokens.�

7. “I’m pretty sure this is the bus I left my monkey on.�

6. “Lucky for me I don’t have to go through a metal detector.�

5. “I hope there’s a dead guy on the bus.�

4. “If there’s no seats left on the bus, here’s a tip--old people scare easy.�

3. “Do I smell eggy?�

1. (Puts his ear to the ground ) “The bus is coming.�

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.