LAUGH LINES

The Pitts: Brad Pitt’s new film, “Meet Joe Black,” opened last weekend. “It’s about three hours long. Who wants to watch Brad Pitt for three hours? OK. Never mind.” (Premiere Radio)

The Horror: The sequel “I Still Know What You Did Last Summer” also opened last weekend. Even scarier? They’re already talking about a third movie. “Even scarier than that? They’ve still got three other seasons to exploit.” (Premiere)

My Stars!: The first poster for the new “Star Wars” prequel has been posted on the official Star Wars Web site. “It’s called Star Wars, Episode 1: The Merchandising Menace.” (Premiere)

Say What?: Will Smith will gain 30 pounds or more to play Muhammad Ali in a movie. “Evidently his agent misunderstood him when he said he wanted a phat role.” (Andy Gram)

And Speaking of Weight: Leonardo DiCaprio has gained at least 20 pounds since filming Titanic. “His agent is hoping that, once Keiko is set free, Leo can star in ‘Free Willy 4.’ ” (Gram)

Big Daddy: O.J. Simpson has been ordered to appear at a new hearing over the custody of his children. “He has no right to keep them. A recent DNA test showed that their actual father is Thomas Jefferson.” (Argus Hamilton)

Hang Up: Investigators want to know whether President Clinton made fund-raising calls from the Oval Office in May 1996. “He’s innocent on this one. Ken Starr just spent $40 million proving it was all phone sex.” (Hamilton)

Lady Loud: If you yelled for eight years, seven months, and six days in a row, you would have produced enough energy to heat one cup of coffee. “You know what this means: Judge Judy would have enough hot coffee to open up her own Starbucks.” (Andrew Wisot)

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