LAUGH LINES

Let’s All Get a Rest: Pop singer Celine Dion says that after January, she will give up performing for a more “normal life.” “You know, I think she’s onto something. Just knowing I may not have to hear the theme from ‘Titanic’ ever again is making me feel pretty normal already.” (Steve Voldseth)

And Let’s Get a Load On: Thanksgiving soon will be upon us. “This is the favorite holiday of overindulgers. It’s a day when you’ll hear cries of ‘Help! I’ve eaten, and I can’t get up!’ ” (LaMonte Laments)

Space(man) Available: The U.S. Court of Appeals has ruled that O.J. Simpson’s two children may have to be returned to their grandparents. “O.J. wasn’t that upset until Kato Kaelin called and told him he heard he had a room available.” (Argus Hamilton)

And Speaking of O.J.: “O.J. is going to star in another summer movie, ‘I Know What You Did Three Summers Ago.’ ” (Jay Leno)

Grand Old Philly: The GOP has chosen Philadelphia for its convention in 2000. “Philadelphia’s the perfect choice. It’s the home of the Liberty Bell, and like the Liberty Bell, the Republican leadership is old and seriously cracked.” (Joshua Sostrin)

And Speaking of Conventions: Los Angeles is considered a near lock to host the Democrats’ convention in 2000. “L.A.’s the perfect choice. It has dumb blonds for Clinton, record companies for Tipper Gore to beat up on and--like Washington and its Redskins--we don’t have a professional football team either.” (Sostrin)

More Newt News: Newt Gingrich has announced he’s leaving Congress. “Chances are he’s quitting so he can write his memoir, ‘Campaign Strategy for Dummies.’ ” (Laments)

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The Essential David Letterman

Money-saving tips from organized crime:

6. When taking a body out to Jersey, use mass transit.

5. Every time you kill a guy, put a nickel in a jar.

4. Make threatening phone calls after 11 p.m., when rates are lowest.

3. When you whack two or three guys, stuff them in the same trunk and carpool it.

2. Inexpensive pinkie ring substitute: Plastic tab-pull from half-gallon of orange juice.

1. Pasta is very inexpensive and very filling.

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