Heaven Knows, Dodgers Could Use the Assistance

Branch Rickey?

Huh? Yes?

I need your help.

What in tarnation . . . ? Who is this?

A Dodger follower.

I didn’t think there were any of you left.

This is Southern California, Mr. Rickey. As long as there are car wrecks, there will be people slowing down to watch.

How did you find me? Don’t tell me, you got my number from . . .

Dionne Warwick.

I knew it. When I get through with her, she’ll be needing more than just a little prayer.

Don’t blame her. I was desperate. I need your help.

Aren’t you just a tad late for that big Jackie Robinson anniversary interview?

It’s not about then. It’s about now. It’s about the Dodgers. The franchise is at a crossroads. Today is the first day they can start signing free agents, really change the direction on the field.

So Al Campanis was right.

Al Campanis?

Yeah, he came up here in the middle of last summer, madder’n a snake about the chaos down there. Did they really fire the manager and general manager on the day that Campanis, you know. . . .

Yeah. Long story.

So what happened since?

Well, they hired a manager, a guy named Davey Johnson, you’d love him, he has this thing against facial hair. But . . .

But?

Their new general manager, bright guy named Kevin Malone, has facial hair.

Your point?

Starting today, this unlikely couple is going to be setting the franchise on its first new course in several decades. I think they could use your advice.

Never should have sold the team to somebody who wouldn’t know a bow tie from a mai tai, that’s my advice.

Please. This is costing me $3.99 a minute.

So what do they need?

They need a third baseman, center fielder, left-handed power hitter and another starting pitcher.

You must know my history, boy, how I built the Brooklyn team in the ‘40s. I invented the farm system. It still works today.

Yeah, but . . .

But, nothing. You can buy a star from that fancy free-agent system, and build around him with kids.

Yeah, but . . .

But, nothing. Campanis and I have been talking. Your starting center fielder next year can be this fast, gutsy kid named Peter Bergeron, played last year at double A.

He’s been traded.

Then fill in your hole at third base with this other kid I’ve heard about, he just needs to play every day, Paul Konerko.

Uh, he’s also been traded.

At least you have a couple of good young pitchers who could be ready, Dennis Reyes and Ted Lilly.

To be honest, Mr. Rickey, they’ve also been traded.

Then what you do is package that second baseman--Eric Young, is it?--in a trade for some prospects and replace him with this quick kid, Wilton Guerrero.

Um, he’s gone too. He’ll be starting for Montreal.

What? The Dodgers gutted their farm system? Isn’t that like North Carolina outlawing cigarettes?

I tried to tell you . . .

Poor Tom Lasorda. I bet he fought for every one of those kids. All those years he talked about developing youngsters. I bet he threw himself in front of each of those trades.

Long story.

So what are their options? Do they have a lot of money to spend?

Not as much as they had earlier this week, before they gave their closer, Jeff Shaw, an extra $8.1 million just so he would be happy here.

Ahhhem. Ahhhem. Sorry, boy, I’m choking on my cigar. They paid him how much? Somebody got snookered.

But he could have demanded a trade, and then the Dodgers would have had no closer.

So? Threaten to trade him to some remote outpost. Remind him that when a player demands a trade, he gives up his right to free agency when that contract is done.

And then?

And then give him $3 million extra to stay. If he truly cares about his family like he says, he would have taken it in a--I haven’t used this word in a while--heartbeat.

So anyway, now they are looking at signing Boston first baseman Mo Vaughn.

Another mistake. I hear he’s probably never leaving Boston. Isn’t he the Red Sox’s soul, like our Gil Hodges was? Didn’t they already lose Roger Clemens? They won’t allow him to leave, will they?

OK, so what would you do?

You mentioned they needed pitching. The Dodgers have always started there.

Kevin Brown and Randy Johnson are the two best available.

Get one of them. Either one. No matter what it takes. Make them your first and most relentless priority.

Really?

If the Dodgers’ new philosophy is indeed all about October, then they surely must realize that October is all about pitching.

What if they can’t sign them?

Find another ace. Trade for one. Do whatever. But the team that goes into the season with a staff of No. 2 and 3 pitchers is a second- or third-place team.

What about their other problems?

Once you sign your ace, you can package one of those secondary starting pitchers in a trade for a center fielder who also hits left-handed.

Maybe like Ismael Valdes and somebody to St. Louis for Ray Lankford?

Why not?

And if they can’t make a deal?

Sign a good defensive center fielder who can bat left-handed.

Steve Finley from San Diego, or Devon White from Arizona?

For one or two years, sure.

What about third base, where they have to trade Bobby Bonilla before he causes trouble?

What about it? Didn’t I hear that you have a kid named Adrian Beltre who could be ready next year? Was he also traded?

Amazingly, no.

Then find an average, middle-income veteran to keep the seat warm until Beltre is ready. Last winter, didn’t the Yankees find somebody like that, guy named Scott Brosius?

Maybe they could bring Sean Berry back home from Houston.

Whatever. Good luck. Gotta run. I’ve scheduled a face-to-face interview with a real journalist, a guy named Jim Murray. Then I’ve got a meeting with the boss.

The boss?

Yep. You know who I mean. Up here, everybody calls him by his favorite nickname.

What’s that?

The Big Angel in the Sky.

Ahhhem. Ahhhem.

You OK?

Long story.